Lamentation
by Inmyownwords92
Summary: This is my Brittana-esque version of the movie London with Jessica Biel and Chris Evans. I changed some things up to make it more Brittana style. This is my first attempt at Brittana fanfic so go ease on me and leave me feedback please.
1. Day Dream Away

**A/N: Alrighty guys so this is my first full Brittana fanfic attempt. It follows the story line of the movie London. I do not own said story or glee characters. I changed some things up a bit, though. I hope you guys will enjoy it and leave me feedback. Also, italics are flashbacks and bold italics are third person, so you guys won't get confused. Lol **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the story line or the Glee characters. **

The sun shone through the little dingy window in my apartment but even though it was bright and cheery I was too numb to enjoy it. Or anything else good in my life for that matter. Although the good that I had acquired in my life was very little. I sat on my couch in front of my coffee table, filling the tiny circular cylinder with the only green that was ever in abundance in my life. I glanced at the red glowing numbers of my alarm clock and it read 7:30 am. I sighed and continued to focus of the task at hand. I grabbed my lighter, the only trustworthy friend I had. He never told my secrets or judged me in my moments of weakness. I lit the bud and inhaled deeply, trying to suck in all the negative and exhale it with the smoke. Everyday I thought if I did this maybe, just maybe, some all knowing power or magical being would give me the strength to exhale her memory in that smoke as well.

But no matter how many bong hits I did, pills I took, alcoholic beverages I drank to get rid of her face that haunted my every moment, it never, ever worked. As the smoke began to fill my apartment I coughed a little, letting the tingly feeling take me over. I grabbed the bottle of phenobarbital that was lying next to the disposed beer cans and emptied out two of those happy pills in my palm. The pills were for my dog Toker but believe me you they worked just as well on human beings. I took one of the cans that happened to have something left in them off the coffee table to wash the pill down. That was a mistake because as soon as I took a sip of whatever the fuck was in there I spit it out. Frankly, it tasted like I imagine shit would taste had someone bottled it up. I then reached for the more sensible, and clearly visible Captain Morgan's to finish the pill off. Of course what I was doing was, some might say, dangerous and idiotic but at this point in my life I didn't give two fucks about that at all. Doing all this helped me make it through the day without her here, so I fucking did it. The drugs and the booze kept me numb so I wouldn't have to feel like the fucking wreck she made me into by leaving. I sighed for what had seemed like the 2,465,376 time in my life since she left and curled back up on my couch, going back to sleep. Sleeping was the greatest invention ever because if I sleep then I don't have to face the world and if I don't have to face the world then I don't have to ever be reminded of her more than I already am.

_I held her hips as firmly as I could as the ecstasy of her riding me in my lap began to take me over. Brittany was moaning like crazy and that was only making things so deliciously worse. She was slow in her movements, sensual and it made me that much hotter. With every thrust she managed to muster I tried my very best to meet it with my own, trying to send her over the edge. Her nails in my back and her teeth in my shoulder were only a catalyst that spurred my coming orgasm. It felt so good to be inside of her, making her mine with every rock of my hips. Brittany wrapped her arms around my neck and brought me closer and that much deeper inside of her all the while breathing in my ear and sending me in to a frenzy. I started to pick up my pace knowing that she was near her climax._

"_Oh my god I'm gonna cum," She breathed into my mouth as she began to kiss me feather light on the lips. She then pushed me down so that now she was on top of me and not in my lap anymore. She began moving up and down as fast as she could, the desperation of her needing to cum evident in fer face and her moans. I felt her movements slow and both of our bodies tense and soon enough stars bursted from my vision as we came together in a wave of ecstasy. Brittany collapsed on top of me heaving and panting while wrapping her arms around me._

"_God, Santana that was amazing." She said, finally having caught her breath and rolled to lie next to me. The light that shown through the window from the moon hit her face exquisitely and made her look like more of an angle._

"_Yeah, it was babe." I said moving to wrap my arms around her body. It was times like these, in the throws of it all, that I forgot about the paranoia that ran rampant in my head. It was times like these that I let go of the thoughts that I was slowly losing her. Brittany sighed contently and as she did I knew what was coming. It always did._

"_I love you." She said it just above a whisper that if I wasn't paying extra attention to it or already knew it was coming, I would have missed it. Although it was the perfect time for me to say it back, all I gave her was silence._

"_I know you won't say it back. I really don't anticipate it anymore. I just want you to know that I do. That you don't ever have to doubt that. I love you more than I've loved anyone in this world." Brittany turned in my arms to face me. I could see the tears in her eyes from the dim light shining on her face and it broke my heart._

"_I know you're afraid to say it back because I didn't say it back the first time you felt the courage to tell me those three little, but big, word. I just hope one day you can." Brittany finished, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. She nuzzled her face in the crook of my neck to fall asleep and pretty soon she did. I couldn't sleep though. Not after that. So I just held her in my arms as she slept, praying for the strength to maybe one day give her back half as much as what she so willingly gave to me. Completely and fully._

I was woken up by the deafening sound of my house phone ringing. You would think that the ringing due to the pile of drugs and booze I just ingested before that little nap would sound like a gun shot that was fired inside of my head but it didn't. I was so use to this now, hangovers were a thing of the past. I slowly got up from the couch and crawled over to the phone, just wanting the ringing to stop. I picked up the receiver and lied down on the hardwood floor of my apartment.

"Hello," I said into the seemingly heavy phone. It felt unbelievably heavier than it usually would but that was probably only because I was high.

"Hey Santana, It's Tina. How are you doing?" Tina asked. I hadn't talked to her in a while. We weren't really best buds but she was sometimes there for me when I needed her an vice versus. She was a good friend and I didn't have a lot of those.

"I'm doing fine, T. Crashed out right now." I told her as I closed my eyes, the weed and phenobarbital coming out of my system starting to bring me down from my high. I felt heavy. I pulled away from the receiver and coughed as she went on with the small talk.

"What are you up to?" I asked, playing along with her like I cared. I didn't really care what she was up to. I didn't really care about much these days.

"Contemplating on what I'm going to wear to Britt's party. I was calling to see if you were going." She said and that immediately caught my attention. Why was Brittany having a party? It wasn't her birthday, that I am most definitely sure of. You don't know a person for 13 years and have a relationship with them for 3 and a half and not remember their birthday.

"What party? What are you talking about?" I asked, interested in every syllable that left Tina Cohen Chang's mouth now.

"Um, uh Brittany's going away party. She's leaving for California in the morning. Didn't you know this?" The words echoed in my ears. I heard the hesitation in her voice and then the realization that I didn't know that Brittany was going away somewhere in order to be given a going away party.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked in sheer disbelief. She was moving halfway across the state and I was just finding out about this? She didn't even pick up the phone to call me and at least give me a 'fuck you bitch, I'm leaving for good!' The anger started to boil inside of me.

"Are you fucking kidding me Tina?" I shouted into the phone and I could hear her wince.

"I'm sorry Santana, I thought you knew. I thought she would have at least told you." Tina said, sadness filling her voice but I didn't want her sadness.

"Where is it? Where is this fucking party?" I asked, livid. She hesitated for a moment.

"It's at Rachel's." She answered and before she could even get another word out I slammed the phone back down on the hook. It was one thing for her to leave me but to flee the fucking state without even so much as a goodbye from her killed me. And made me angry more than anything. It made me angry because she didn't care anymore. About what we had, and what we shared. That she was willing to let five years swirl down the proverbial shitter. She didn't give a fuck at all. I was reeling so I did what my first instinct told me to do. I called her number. I picked up the phone and dialed the number that I knew by heart.

"Fuck!" I yelled out into my empty apartment. I could not believe she was doing this to me all over again. It rang and right when I thought she was about to pick up, I got the message that the number was no longer in service...and I fucking lost it.

"Fucking shit!" I screamed as I tossed the phone across the room and into the wall. I then picked up my small tv and threw that too. I tore up everything in sight, anger and hurt fueling me into a frenzy. I rearranged my whole apartment and not in the good way. I yelled and I screamed and I threw everything in sight. I hated that she was fucking doing this to me. Brittany truly made me insane. I picked up the basketball that was lying nearby and chucked it into the fish tank, busting it to pieces and making water gush everywhere. After my whole apartment was basically destroyed, I was exhausted and collapsed. I ran my fingers through my hair. Maybe some might say that I was overreacting but I truly think I was just reacting to the love of my life walking out of it for good and I couldn't deal with that. Not at all.


	2. Walking With Ghosts

I walked down the busy night street of New York to the bar that was a few blocks down from my apartment and where I parked my car. The only thing that could give me any solace right now was a stiff drink. And the bag of snow that my dealer was sending my way. It was rather cold and I pulled my pea coat closer to my body, searching for warmth. I finally reached the shoddy bar and walked inside. To my surprise Quinn was working the night shift.

"Hey Quinn." I said as she blew the smoke from her cigarette out, concentrated on the book that was in her hand. She looked up from the pages surprised as well.

"Hey Santana, what's up?" She asked as she stood from sitting on the bar. She already knew the deal, and poured me a glass of jack. There was silence for a long while before I spoke up.

"So you gonna go to Rachel's thing tonight?" I asked her as she placed the brown liquid in front of me.

"Uh yeah, I was gonna go. You know say goodbye. Why? You going?" Quinn asked and I shrugged nonchalantly. I knew damn well I was going but she didn't need to know that.

"Yeah I think so. I mean I was thinking about it." Quinn nodded her head. The air was starting to become awkward so I spoke up.

"So...you still talk to Brittany?" I finally asked.

"Yeah, yeah from time to time. Why?" She asked, watching me intently.

"Oh you know. I was just a little surprised to hear that she was moving." Surprise is the understatement of the year for what I was when I heard she was moving. Hell angry? Boiling hot? Livid? All good word choices but surprised? It falls very short of what I was. I then looked around the dingy bar for any sign of my dealer's trustworthy friend but nothing.

"So did she get a place out there, she staying with somebody or she didn't tell you where she was staying? Come on Quinn." I said slightly begging but I needed to know. I needed to know if what I'm suspecting is true and I pray to all that is holy it's not. Quinn sighed.

"I mean I-she said something about moving in with her boyfriend or something but I mean that's pretty much all I know." I downed my Jack as she said that, letting it burn a trail down my throat. Of course she was moving in with some no nothing dip shit for brains. It didn't surprise me that she had a boyfriend either. It disgusted me yes, but surprise? No. Not at all. Quinn poured more of the whiskey in my glass, it was highly needed, as I noticed one Noah Puckerman making his way from the bathrooms. It had been a pretty long while since Puck and I have had a conversation but we phoned each other once and a while.

"Can I get you a drink Puck?" Quinn asked him as he took a seat at the bar.

"Yeah can I get a gin and tonic?" He asked and she nodded. I glanced over at him again and wondered if he was my dealer's friend. I really wouldn't put it past him. Either way, I really needed a buzz right now with the information that I just learned and I didn't care who was carrying it.

"Excuse me one second here," Quinn told me as she grabbed a napkin and took the drink over to Puck. I just continued to nurse my drink. Quinn came back over to me and just as I was about to ask her more pressing questions about Brittany, she spoke up.

"Hey San, I'm gotta go cash out, so uh I'll see you tonight." I sighed.

"Yeah alright then. Well, hey listen I'm gonna get a little bit of sniff so if you want some just let me know." I said, pulling out my wallet and laying a few bills on the counter for my drink.

"Oh really?" Quinn asked. I figured it's the least I could do for her for the information she gave me.

"Yeah." I said as Puck glanced over at me again.

"How much is it?" She asked and I shook my head.

"Oh no don't worry about it, just come and find me. But obviously don't tell Brittany because she hates that shit." I said picking up my drink. Quinn laughed.

"Oh yeah like I would tell her. Alright then, I'll see you later." She said and I smiled.

"Yup see you later." We gave each other a fist bump and she made her way from behind the bar, saying a quick bye to puck and leaving. I finished my drink and made my way over to him.

"Hey Puckerman, it's been a while. Are you- are you the one carrying for Johnny?" I asked him and he took a swig from his drink.

"Unfortunately yes, Are you the one buying? I didn't know you were into that sort of thing San." He said, throwing the nick name out there causally, and I nodded my head.

"Yup that would be me and oh how things have changed Puck my dear." I said chuckling a little and he threw a smile my way.

"Well thanks for coming down here. I know you guys don't usually deliver this far in town but I've just had a really shitty day you know. Just need to clear my head up is all." I said, sniffing and he nodded.

"No worries mate," Puck acknowledged and I threw him a smile.

"So where do you wanna do this thing?" I asked as Puck and I both looked around at the other patrons littering the bar.

"Well you don't want to go in the bathroom, its fucking horrendous in there." He said and I agreed seeing as I didn't want to go into the men's bathroom especially if it was 'horrendous' in there.

"I drove, do you wanna use my car?" I asked and he shrugged, seeing it as the only way this was going to get done. So we got up from the bar, he left a couple of bills on the counter and we went out to my car. It had started raining so we quickly got in.

"So how is this shit? Is it pretty good?" I asked as I got comfortable in my seat and he retrieved the product from his coat pocket. I hope its good because I am in desperate need of a pick me up.

"I can't say I've sampled any of this batch, but considering the source I imagine it to be pretty clean, yeah." Puck said as he handed me the powder and I handed him the money. I opened the little baggy and grabbed the tiny little silver spoon that was right next to my bottle opener on my car keys. I dipped it into the powder, brought it to my nose and snorted it. It burned heavenly good through my nasal cavity and I sniffed a few times to make sure all of it was now traveling through my blood stream.

"So is this like a full time gig for you now? A full time job?" I asked Puck, filling the tiny silver spoon again.

"No man, I'm a banker. Foreign exchange dealer you know, currency trader." He said and I looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"Currency trader huh? Wow puck who would have thunk it. I never in my life would have pegged you for becoming a banker. Robbing banks yes, but bank currency trader? No fucking way." I said laughing but pretty impressed. From the threads that he was wearing the job title totally fit. Noah was never really one for school or learning in general and to hear he was now a banker and trading currency was mind blowing. Put me to shame by a tenfold.

"Yea you know, euros, pounds, yeah." He said as I sniffed another spoon full.

"Alright so you're not a dealer?" I asked and I saw him roll his eyes.

"Mate, I aint a fuckin dealer. Strictly a buyer. I was uptown you were on my way. It was just a favor." Puck reiterated and I shook my head thankful that he was in fact uptown and feeling friendly. I did another line.

"Gotcha, well whatever it is, I really appreciate it man." I said as I offered the bag of coke to him. He hesitated for a moment but took the bag anyways.

"So currency trader huh? How's the money in that? Good?" I asked making small talk as he did a line.

"Not if you get stuck on this shit, no" He said, taking another whiff of the powder and I laughed.

"God what a super fucking drug." I said as I felt the cocaine take effect. Puck took another line and held it in. I watched the street lights change from red, to green, to yellow and back again.

"So listen, I don't know what you're doing after this or if you have any plans but Rachel's throwing a party a few blocks from here if you're interested." I said, eyeing Puck as he did another line. I was hoping he was in because it would give me at least someone to talk to there. You know since I wasn't even invited and all.

"Nah thanks mate but I've had a shit day, believe me." Puck said, readying another line.

"Yeah okay, I just figured you know you came down this whole way. It'll probably be pretty good." I said as Puck snorted another spoonful of coke.

"What kind of party is it exactly, anyways?" He asked as he handed me back my keys and the bag of powder.

"Actually its a uh going away party for...for Brittany." I said dipping the spoon into the bag again, trying not to make eye contact with him. He of course knew about the messy break up between Britt and I.

"Oh yea? Where is she going away to? I didn't even know she was leaving." He said but I avoided his question.

"But it will be good you know. Free booze, free food, hot chicks." I said right before I took a whiff of the powder. It burned all the way up my nose, through my veins, to settle in my bones, frying my synapses in an effort to pull me into a haze. I shook it out feeling it take effect and it felt so good.

"I really shouldn't but thanks for the offer. I really appreciate it." Puck said, watching me do another line before I closed the bag. I rested my head against the seat and closed my eyes. I felt the drug wash over my finger tips, my hands, my arms, my whole fucking body and it felt like I was lifting off to space.

Puck and I reached Rachel's loft and I was feeling antsy. I successfully talked him in to coming with me. Everything was brighter and I could literally feel and hear myself buzzing. I looked at the names and apartment numbers written near the call box on the side of the building, quickly locating Rachel's. We stood there waiting for the door man to let us in.

"You know what fuck it San, I'm gonna go, take it easy." He said, sticking his hand out and I frowned puzzled.

"You're gonna go? Why are you gonna go? You just got here." I said as he started to walk away. After he decided to come he was just going to bail on me. He couldn't though, he was my only ally at this party.

"Dude, you just walked all the way down here. You can't leave. Why would you leave?" I asked sticking my hands in my pocket to protect them from the cold. Puck stopped in his tracks.

"Because San, I've had a horrendous day and I'm deciding not to go because I don't want to hang with a lot full of whatever freaks Berry has invited to this party and you enjoy yourself Santana." Puck said as he was about to once again walk away. I rolled my eyes but stopped him.

"Alright then you've had a shit day so come inside, get a drink, meet some people." I said trying to convince him to stay.

"No that's okay you go." Puck said shaking his head. I sighed.

"Puck come on, what do you have to do that's better than this. Girls, free booze, do a line. Don't be a pussy." Puck was totally bitching out on me and I cursed his banker job for turning him in to a Nancy boy.

"Look Santana, I had the most psychotic therapy session I've had in fucking years, I almost smacked some cunt for a taxi, I really don't know if I'm ready to deal with one Rachel Berry and all that comes with this whole atmosphere." God things really have changed in the last few years. And did he say he was in therapy? I walked over to the door as the doorman finally got his ass over to the it and opened it. I tried one more time for trying one more time's sake.

"Alright then Puck so just come inside for 5 minutes, 5 fucking minutes and if you don't like it then you can leave. One fucking drink man. Quinn will be here." I said as he began to make his way over to me. He sighed still hesitant.

"One drink?" I asked, pleading with him.

"Fine, one fucking drink Santana." Puck said, finally giving in to my will and I nodded my head, sighing. We walked inside the building and signed the clipboard so that we could get in and then made our way to the elevators. Waiting at the elevator as well was Emily, Brittany's little sister.

"Hey Emily," I said greeting her. We got along pretty well when Britt and I were dating, she had become like a little sister to me as well but I would be stupid to think that things wouldn't be a little awkward now.

"Hey Santana," She said acknowledging my presence but keeping her eyes down at her feet.

"How ya doing?" I offered, trying anyway to postpone the awkward silence that I knew would be coming.

"I'm doing pretty good." Emily said, shaking her head. She folded her arms over her chest.

"It's been a while..." And it had been. I hadn't seen the kid in six months to be exact. Ever since that day I stopped by to pick up the last of my stuff from Brittany's house, where she had been there visiting.

"Yea it has, how have you been?" She asked and I shrugged. I wanted to tell her that I was horrible and that her sister utterly destroyed me but now was not the time.

"I'm doing good. Puck, you remember Brittany's sister right?" I asked glancing back at him. Puck shook his head.

"No we never really met." He said but leaned in to shake Emily's hand. She returned the shake, letting him know it was nice to meet him. We stood there for a second, me leaning back on the balls of my feet, before I broke the silence.

"So whatcha been up to kiddo?" I asked Emily, seeing as this elevators destination before must have been to hell and back because it was taking so goddamn long.

"Uh, uh in hell man. I fucked up on the SAT's. I gotta retake 'em. But that's it. You know, I just want to kill myself for that." She said laughing lightly and I shook my head.

"That sucks." I said as I blew my breath out and she agreed. It was starting to get awkward again and I wished that elevator shaft would hurry the fuck up.

"Well you know if you wanna get out of SAT mode, I picked up a lot of you know, so..." I trailed off, knowing that she would get exactly what I meant.

"You dealing now?" Emily asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes I'm dealing. No, I'm not dealing," I said and she raised her hands in placation.

"I just you know got a lot more than I need so if you're interested...just come find me." Emily shook her head in understanding.

"Alright man, thanks. I might take you up on that." The elevator dinged, signaling its arrival and we all got in, heading up to the party. It was about fucking time. If this was any other situation the elevator would have been there in a flash but of course in a situation like this, it would be delayed. I shook my head as we rode up each floor in silence. We finally reached the floor that Rachel's parents loft was on and piled out of the elevator. We made our way towards the apartment and Emily knocked on the door. The last time I was here was with Brittany and just thinking about that brought on a wave of depression, doom and panic that I hadn't seen in months. God I needed to do another line, or 50 in order to be prepared for this.

_Brittany knocked on the door and from behind it we could hear Rachel's muffled 'coming.' The door swung open and both Rachel and Brittany squealed hugging each other and I, of course rolled my eyes. The two of them together was the perfect recipe for a headache. _

"_Hey there!" Rachel said, bringing my girlfriend in to a bear hug._

"_How are you?" Brittany asked Rachel as we made our way into her loft._

"_I'm doing good." Rachel threw a greeting my way and I nodded in acknowledgment. _

"_This my darling, is for you." Brittany said as she handed Rachel the bottle we brought for the occasion which caused Rachel to gasped at the label on the bottle. _

"_Oh you guys, shut up, thank you." It was a bottle of some type of expensive champagne that Berry liked. I didn't have time, or energy to care, to remember what it was. All I know is that it cost a pretty penny and she had better not let it go to waste. I wrapped my arms around my blonde as we walked further into Rachel's parents loft that, I must say, was lavish. But I wouldn't expect anything less from her parents. They were gay men and would of course have great taste in decor. It was too bad they didn't have great taste in choosing their kid since they managed to choose the ambitious little hobbit to raise. If you can't already tell, Rachel and I were never friends and I only tolerated her because of Brittany's new found adoration for man hands. How they even started becoming friends is beyond me because whenever something has to do with the likes of Rachel Berry, I try my best to block out every detail. _

"_Nobody's here yet, but grab a drink, make yourself at home." Rachel said as she made her way into the kitchen, phone in hand. I did admire how she decided to be a grown up and provide the guest of her party with real booze this time and not wine coolers. Though I wouldn't put it past her to have some here, just in case. I ran my hands up and down Brittany's torso as we looked over Rachel's living area. I finally reached her breasts and fondled then and she gasped._

"_Don't disrespect me in public." Brittany said laughing, turning in my arms and giving me a right smack. I laughed along with her because it was her thing. She wasn't a big fan of me groping her in public so her thing was to scold me about not disrespecting her in public. It was cute but it wasn't something I could really help. She was simply irresistible. Brittany gave me another smack, giggling but I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a light kiss._

"_Well let's go upstairs then," I said biting her bottom lip and she giggled once again. _

"_Why? What's upstairs?" She asked, playing innocent and I kissed her again, whispering dirty things in her ear, making her blush._

"_You are so bad." Brittany said pulling away from me. I shrugged and threw her a smile. _

"_Catch me!" She shrilled, pulling away from me completely and running up the stairs. Of course I followed her. The truth is I would follow her anywhere. To the end of the world and back if she asked me to. We didn't dare enter a room to fool around in lest the hobbit scold us so I we went to the bathroom. I led Britt in, spinning her around, with her giggling like crazy. She was the cutest fucking thing I had ever seen in my life. We were just fooling around and Brittany then jumped in my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. I put her back up against the glass door that lead out onto a balcony as she kissed me feather light on the lips and then pulled away. Her eyes were slightly hooded so I put her down on her feet, quickly spinning her so that her back was against my front. I then ran my hand down her sides and around her front until I was cupping her. She took in a sharp breath and I kissed her neck as I danced my fingers around the offending clothes. Brittany threw her head back as I began to tease her. I wasn't going to make good on the teasing but I did want to get her riled up. It was fun. I turned her head so that she could kiss me and captured her lips with mine. As soon as I knew she was getting worked up, I removed my fingers and she growled. I laughed and opened the glass doors so that we could go out on to the balcony. I had a gift for her and call me a hopeless romantic but I wanted to give it to her while we watched the lights over the city. _

"_You're evil, you know that San," Brittany said as she held on to the railing of the balcony, me still behind her. She had a smile on her face so I knew she wasn't too mad at me for teasing her like that. I pulled out the gift box I wanted to giver her from my pocket and handed it to her._

"_What is this?" She asked, surprised and I laughed._

"_It's for you silly, open it." I said as I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. Brittany threw a look back at me._

"_For me?" She asked with a smile and I moved her hair to one side and kissed her neck._

"_Yes, for you baby." I said kissing her neck again. Brittany finally opened the present and when she did she grew really quiet. At first it scared me._

"_Oh my god Santana, I love it. Thank you." Brittany said before she turned her head to give me a kiss. It was a single diamond heart pendant. And I knew she would love it. As she traced the piece of jewelry, I continued to lay kisses across her neck as she admired it._

"_I love you." Brittany said and inside I froze over but on the outside I just continued to lay kisses across her neck. I couldn't say it. I was never able to and it was the reason why we had so much tension in our relationship. I couldn't say what she so desperately wanted to hear. I've tried but whenever it comes close to leaving my mouth, it gets stuck in my throat. I just kept kissing her neck, trying to pretend I didn't just hear what she said._

"_I love you." Brittany said it again and once again I didn't say it back. I know that's what she was looking for. For me to finally say it. It was the perfect moment. But I couldn't. Finally Brittany pushed me away from her._

"_Come on, 'I love you too Brittany' you fucker you can say it, I'm not gonna tell anybody." Brittany said starting to get upset and I sighed, bringing her closer to me. _

"_Brittany don't," I said only to have her push me away._

"_Don't what? What am I doing? What am I doing wrong?" She asked, angry now and I rolled my eyes._

"_This. Whatever this is, this need, this obsession to put a verbal label on everything. It's not about words." I said leaning in to kiss her again._

"_No it is about words!" Brittany shouted and I backed away from her. I sighed again and put my hand on my hip, ready for the oncoming argument. _

"_It is about words because without words we'd be uh living in caves and still fucking talking with our hands!" Brittany yelled and I grabbed her hands._

"_Brittany stop! Please. We haven't even come close to a fight and if we can avoid that first fight by theory we will never fight. Okay? Please. It's been so perfect 'til now. Don't do this." I said going to put my arm around her but she shoved me away._

"_It's been perfect for you Santana. For you." She said pushing me further away and then leaving. _

"_Brittany!" I called after her but she just kept walking. I rolled my eyes and blew out my breath. I leaned both of my hands against the railing. The girl was impossible that's for sure. The night had been going perfect and now it was for shit all because she had to throw the L word out there. Her obsessive need for me to tell her that I loved her was killing us both. I'm not a bitch and I do love her. I do. I just don't think everything needs to be fucking said to make it believable. Aren't my actions clear enough? And it's not that I didn't want to say it to her either. Because I wanted to tell her I loved her every second I saw her but the last time, and the first time, I told her I loved her she didn't say it back. And that killed me. So I swore I wouldn't say again. _


	3. Revelations

**AN: So is anyone even reading this story? Lol So far I've only had one review =[ I thank that person very much but I wants more! So if I get reviews this chapter or on the other ones too, so that I can know that people are actually reading it, then I shall post the next chapter. Do this yea? It would make me so wonderfully happy! Anyways, enjoy and remember...Review, Review, Review!**

Emily knocked on Rachel's door and from behind it we heard a muffled 'coming!' I was feeling a bit nervous because well I wasn't even invited to this party. And the fact that both Berry and I despise each other might make getting inside difficult. The hobbit finally opened the door, both her and Emily squealing at each other's presence.

"Hello!" Rachel practically screamed, bringing the other girl in to a bear hug.

"Hey, wow you look beautiful." Emily said and I seriously wanted to tell her to stop lying, it isn't good for your skin or you health. Rachel laughed at the compliment and internally so did I.

"Thanks. You look hot yourself! Nice hat, nice boots." She said as Emily made her way into the apartment. When Rachel finally acknowledged my presence, the look on her face was priceless. It was a look between surprised and constipated.

"Um hey," Rachel said hesitantly but let Puck and I in.

"Uh hey Rachel." I greeted making my way in to the loft, Puck right behind me.

"Well nobody's here yet so just come on in and...make yourself at home." Rachel said as she shut the door and made her way over to the kitchen. I moseyed into the living area as Rachel was talking on the phone. By the look on her face I knew without a doubt that she was telling whoever was on the other end of that conversation that I had just shown up at the party.

"Great party San." Puck said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes.

"It'll be better Puck. Trust me, I promise." I said making my way over to him so in case if he tried to make a break for it, I could grab him. Puck threw me a skeptical glance. I saw the little hobbit hang up the phone and call Emily over.

"Please tell me you did not bring Santana here." Rachel asked Emily in a, what she thought was, hushed tone. Clearly it wasn't hushed if I could hear every part of it.

"No I didn't. I just rode up in the elevator with her, why is she not invited?" Emily asked, taking a sip of the red wine she had poured for herself. Rachel began dialing some unknown number.

"No. She is SO not invited." She said and the only words that came to mind were evil hobbit bitch. Emily gave her a 'whoops' look and walked away. I then tuned man hands out after the conversation was over. I walked around the living area looking at the statues and nick knacks she had in place. I came to a giant Buddha's head she had sitting in her living room. One, it makes for tacky decor and two, why was it so huge? I flicked the head with my finger and I guess treasure trail didn't appreciate that too much.

"Hey Santana, do us a favor yeah and don't touch the Buddha?" She said flippantly and I flicked it one last time and walked away from it. I saw her cut her eyes at me but didn't even care. If I could cut her I would but then that would probably lead to her kicking me out and I needed to at least say goodbye to Brittany. I stuck my hands in my pocket and made my way over to Puck.

"Let's uh get a drink." I said and we made our way inside this tiny glass room she had with a table filled with alcoholic beverages. I grabbed four beers, two for each hand and so did Puck. After getting our beer we went upstairs to Rachel's parents huge ass bathroom to do a few lines.

I know Rachel was like 'gasp how dare they go to the bathroom' but like I said before I didn't care. At all. Puck and I were on our fifth line of the night and I swear if you told me I wasn't actually flying right now I would call you a liar.

"So wait, I'm confused you said you do believe in god or you don't?" I asked, as about 15 minutes ago our conversation ended up on the speculation of whether there is a higher power. I took another sip of my beer, sniffing again for good measure.

"I can't think of the appropriate word for it actually. It's more of an epiphany if anything." He said tossing the credit card we used to divvy up the lines back on the counter. I frowned, not knowing at all what he meant by that.

"An epiphany? Well what was your epiphany?" I asked, hoping he could give me a more solid answer. I dipped my finger in the white powder and stuck it in my mouth, dragging it across my gums, feeling the all too familiar tingle as I did.

"Well for me an epiphany is when you really see the universe in all its splendor and beauty and you suddenly understand everything." Again he was making no sense. I sighed, leaning my hands against the sink.

"Well what do you mean by everything? What does that mean?" I asked throwing my hands up in sheer frustration. I took another swig from my beer.

"Fucking everything. Everything you can fucking imagine. Everything. What? You don't know what everything means?" Puck asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Well yes, I do know what everything means I just don't know what you mean by everything." I said, hoping he could see where I was going.

"Well it means everything doesn't it? You know everything." Puck said motioning around, and I felt like punching him in the face.

"So what's your problem?" He asked and I shook my head. I was officially declaring him incompetent.

"Well I think for someone who's seen the infinite, your a little fucking vague." I told him as he drank from his beer. You can't just say you see everything in an epiphany. I'm sure there must be some specifics when it comes down to that shit.

"You think for someone who's had a god like revelation you'd be a little more specific." I said hotly as I divided another line to take. Puck cut his eyes at me.

"It's not about specifics. It's about energy that hits you between the fucking eyes and you're enlightened!" He said, as if it was that obvious.

"And you see everything?" I asked him.

"No you don't see everything, you see nothing but you understand everything." Puck finished and I was more confused than before about what the fuck he was yapping about.

"You know the most is that I understood time horizons." Puck said as he shrugged out of his coat and I snorted the line. I pinched my nose a few times to make it go down.

"What's a time horizon?" I asked, as I ran some of the white powder across my gums again.

"It's like this. I understand where I stood in relation to where the Romans and the Jews where 2,000 years ago and why I was here now. Then I felt this enormous compassion, you know, for the struggle of the human race and what it had to go through for us." As Puck continued his rant about time horizons, I snorted a few more lines.

"You know, for life as we know it, to come to this point. I mean it's truly remarkable but at the same time its utterly fucking disturbing. I mean we're the same people they were in Roman times, trying to boil oil on each other and crucifying Christians for fucks sake. Not that, that's entirely a bad thing or anything." Puck finished, taking a long guzzle of his beer. He really did just fuck up my brain but enlighten me all at the same time. The fact of whether there was actually a god was still up in the air. I was just about to divide up another line when Emily knocked on the bathroom door. I turned quickly to go and let her in but I hit the book that our supply was on and knocked it on to the floor. The fact that the sink was basically like a fucking troft didn't help either. There was nowhere to put it but on the edge and now it was all on the floor.

"Shit!" I yelled as all the supply went on to Rachel Berry's dirty bathroom floor.

"Fuck me man," Puck chimed in, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Um give me one second Em," I said as I bent down to pick up the book.

"Santana, honestly, what the fuck have you done?" Puck said bending down to help me pick up the credit card and beer bottle that fell with it.

"I'm sorry, it was an accident. I'm such a klutz." I said as I placed the book on the sink counter. I then went to go let Emily in.

"Fuck man," I said as I made my way back over to the sink with Emily in tow.

"Oh my god!" Emily said, putting her purse down on the back of the toilet and coming over to us in front of the discarded cocaine. Puck handed me a towel and I bent down to sweep it up.

"Oh come on you can totally save it." Emily said as she tried to sweep some up with her hand but both Puck and I shook our heads.

"No don't do that," I said, smacking her hand away from the powder that was on the floor. Puck grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet.

"What? Are you gonna eat food off the floor too? Don't sniff that shit." He said to her and she rolled her eyes.

"That's fucking gross Em," I said, pushing the powder around

"God, is this it?" Emily asked me in disbelief and I nodded.

"Yes and it's all my fucking fault." I said cleaning up the remaining powder than throwing the towel into the sink.

"Well just snort it off the floor." Emily offered.

"No you don't wanna do that. I shouldn't have put it by the fucking sink." I said finishing off my beer and Emily sniffed the remnants of white powder that were left behind on her finger. Puck had disappeared somewhere in the bathroom but then came back with a painting and covering the opening of the sink with it to give it a solid surface.

"What are you doing?" I asked but he didn't answer. He just went over to his coat and came back.

"All is not lost." Puck said as he tossed a medium sized bag with cocaine rocks in it on the painting. My eyes got wide at the shit he was packing. There had to be at least 15-20 rocks in that bag alone. We could snort mountains of cocaine for days with that amount.

"Jesus Christ Puck." I said as he pulled out a metal circular contained used to make the rocks into powder. Emily started jumping up and down happily.

"Oh my god you fucking rock!" She said, shaking Puck's arm.

"Look at this, do you know this painting?" Puck asked and I shook my head.

"Yeah it's Van Gough's Sweet Field With Crows." I said and Puck nodded.

"It's one of the most significant paintings the man has ever painted." Puck said with conviction and I laughed.

"Oh? Well then," I said and Emily snorted with laughter as Puck just rolled his eyes. He piled four rocks in the grinder and grounded them up.

"This is the last painting the man did before he killed himself. It was like his suicide note. I mean look, he even put his fucking ear in the clouds." Puck said pointing to a cloud in the far right corner that indeed looked like a ear.

"There is his mutilated left ear. Can you see it? I mean not everyone sees it of course but there it is." Puck said pointing to it again. I just shook my head with a smile on my face at his blatant orgasm over this particular painting.

"He mutilated his left ear and then put it in the fucking painting. What does that mean?" Puck asked rhetorically as he dumped the now powder on the surface of the painting. My hand was just itching to do another line. But instead I lit a cigarette. As I did so, Emily removed her jacket and made her way over to the toilet to pee.

"Hey so Emily, I'm curious, your a smart chick do you believe in god?" I asked her as I took another drag from my cigarette. Emily raised her eyebrows, surprised at the question.

"You guys have been doing way too many drugs." She said laughing as she continued not care at all who was in this bathroom and pee.

"Answer the question, yes or no?" I said and she shrugged.

"Um god, that's a really long conversation but I will tell you something I read the other day that really freaked me out." Emily started enthusiastically as I continued to puff on my cigarette.

"Um I don't remember where it was, it was like Russia or Germany or one of these places but these scientists they took this female pregnant rabbit and they hooked it up to like a heart monitor and a EEG which sensors your brains waves and like the second after she gave birth they take these babies and they jump in a van and they start shooting them." Emily said and both Puck and I looked at each other and I shook my head as she continued her story. I had grown up in a very religious home but that didn't stop me from wondering whether there really was a god, or if that was just something told to everyone to try and get them to live a life of right doing. Like parents telling their kids to eat their vegetables or they wouldn't grow strong and fit.

"They shoot them in the back of the head with like a rifle from like one mile away, BAM!, five miles away, BAM!, 20 miles away," Puck then cut Emily off.

"Don't tell me people are running around in the woods killing little bunny rabbits." He said sarcastically and then went back to dividing up lines. I smirked. Emily then got up from the toilet, done doing her business and pulled up her skirt, making her way over to Puck and I.

"But what's interesting is that every time that they would shoot one of these poor babies in the back of the head, the mother's heartbeat and brainwaves would go crazy. So I'm just saying that there's you know, shit like that and then," Emily grabbed a rolled up twenty and snorted a line.

"Right, like the mother knew the babies were getting shot psychically and-" I started but was cut off by an enthusiastic Emily.

"Yes! Exactly! Every fucking time, exactly. I mean and then there's all that stuff you know like those weird identical twins right?" Emily said, as I began to pace around the bathroom taking hit after hit off of my cigarette, trying to find some logic in these examples that she was giving me as proff of a higher power.

"One of the brothers is walking down the street, gets stabbed by some serial killer," Emily snorted another line, sniffing to make sure it all traveled through her system.

"Wait, so he gets stabbed right." She continued after having lost her place, most likely due to the massive line she just inhaled. I was listening but only mildly because she wasn't giving me any proof of this higher being. All of these examples could be chalked up to sheer coincidence.

"And then 900 miles away at the exact same time his twin brother falls down-" I cut her off.

"It's weird very weird yes,but it isn't really proof" I said, interrupting her story and she cut her eyes at me.

"Wait, do you wanna left me finish what I'm saying? Do you care?" Emily asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes finish, finish please finish your story." I said waving her off and she continued.

"Ok so he falls down, fucking gets hospitalized due to heart palpitations at the exact same time his brother was stabbed." I threw my hands up in the air, shaking my head at this scenario's predictability.

"Why are you shaking your head?" Emily asked me in disbelief and I scoffed.

"Because you sound like Brittany. It's coincidence." I said, not believing how naive she could be.

"How can you say its just coincidence?" Emily asked me, putting her hand over her heart in utter surprise that I would say such a thing and I sighed.

"You know what Emily, I've had this conversation before and I'm not having it here." I said and she rolled her eyes, turning back towards the line of coke.

"Well then let's not. Then don't ask me about god ok Santana?" Emily said flippantly and then snorted the line of coke in front of her. I continued to pace the bathroom floor as Emily did a few more lines.

"Hey is Brittany here yet?" I asked her and she looked at me through the mirror, dusting the remnants of cocaine from her hair and tossing it back over her shoulder to get it out of the way.

"Uh no I don't think so." She said picking up the rolled twenty.

"You meet her boyfriend yet?" I asked her, taking a drag from my cigarette.

"Yeah a couple of times, actually. He's nice." Emily said and I just nodded. I then made my way over to her by the sink and leaned against it.

"Is he uh, is he like an attractive guy? Is he good looking?" I asked, wanting to know even though it would only serve to hurt me in the end. Emily looked at me puzzled.

"You're asking me if he's an attractive guy? Egh, I guess." She retorted but I knew with the way she said it, she was trying to spare my feelings. Of course he was attractive. He probably was nothing less than Greek god like.

"_You guess, what do you mean you guess?" I asked Brittany as she tried on what seemed like the 12__th__ outfit in the tiny little dressing room. She pulled me in the cramped space so I could see what each one looked like. I told her she was only ever going to get one answer from me and that was beautiful but she insisted so I caved._

"_I mean I guess." She said, giving no further explanation. Brittany pulled a red silk dress over her toned body and I tried hard to focus on the conversation at hand._

"_Alright so I'm curious are you more or less attracted to him than you are to me?" I asked as she turned to look at the back of the dress in the mirror. She was stalling and I could tell._

"_Santana, I don't know." Brittany said and I scoffed._

"_Well you do know you just...aren't telling me." I said and she rolled her eyes, taking the dress off._

"_I really don't know San, you guys have totally different looks." Brittany said and I mean in that aspect I could understand what she meant because it was male versus female. But that wasn't the point. The point was whether she was more attracted to him than she was to me and she was not answering the question._

"_Yes, we have very different looks but who's do you like more? His or mine?" I asked and maybe I was being a little paranoid here but I couldn't help myself. She had lunch with an attractive guy that she may or may not be attracted to and that was worrisome. Brittany sighed._

"_This is stupid Santana." She said as she put the dress back on the hanger. I just looked at her expectantly, waiting until she gave me a fucking answer._

"_Ok fine, um I guess on some level I find him attractive. That doesn't mean that I find myself any more or less attracted to him than I do to you." Brittany finished, grabbing a black button up blouse this time and trying it on. She was playing semantics and it was pissing me off. I just sat there in silence. _

"_Santana, I'm not gonna lie to you. I mean just because we're together doesn't mean that I'm suddenly going to not be attracted to other people." Brittany said, checking out how the shirt fit at all different angles. I rolled my eyes as she looked at me through the mirror. I ran my fingers through my hair. Maybe I was overreacting. What she said was true but it didn't make it hurt any less that she might be attracted to someone who was not me and acting out on it. _

"_He's a friend who happens to be attractive. It was one lunch, why are you freaking out?" She asked and I seriously couldn't believe her right now. If the tables were turned she would be ripping my head off right about now._

"_I'm not. But you don't see me going to lunch with a bunch of attractive people." I snapped back at her and she laughed humorlessly. _

"_Okay first of all, it was one guy not a bunch and you know it's really not my problem that you don't have lunch with attractive people? because no one is stopping you." Brittany said, buttoning up another shirt she was trying on and I rolled my eyes once again._

"_I love this by the way," She said, referring to the shirt but I didn't give a flying fuck whether she loved or hated the shirt. The comment alone showed that she didn't care about how I was feeling about the whole fucked up situation. I picked at the ugly pattern in the carpet of the dressing room floor, I'm sure looking like a kicked puppy. That's because I was. Brittany saw no problem with going to lunch with a guy she was sexually attracted to and it was frustrating. I know for sure that if I went to lunch with a female who I was sexually attracted to and vice versus, she would be furious. I rubbed my eye with the heel of my palm, trying to let the conversation go but I couldn't. If I dropped it, it would slowly eat away at me for sure._

"_So for the sake of conversation," I began but Brittany cut me off._

"_Santana," Brittany's voice was laced with warning but I kept going._

"_No, for the sake of conversation let's just pretend you and I don't know each other-" She cut me off once again, not wanting to hear any more of it._

"_Just drop it Santana, please. For Christ sake" Brittany said, practically begging but I couldn't drop it._

"_Just listen to me. Let's just pretend for five minutes Britt that you don't know me, I don't know you, we're not dating. Me and whats his fucks name are in the room together-" Brittany raised her voice over mine._

"_But I do know you Santana, I do!" Brittany yelled, frustrated just as much as I was._

"_I know you do, remove that from the equation, who do you pick?" I asked her and Brittany looked at me incredulously._

"_You can't remove that from the equation!" Brittany yelled and I shook my head._

"_No, gun to your head who do you pick?" I kept asking over and over and until she broke._

"_I would pick you ok! I would pick you in any equation!" Brittany screamed, letting anger and frustration pour from her words. There was a knock on the dressing room door, which caused Brittany and I both to glance at it._

"_Are you alright in there?" A sales associate asked, annoyance as clear as day in her voice._

"_Yes, everything is fine, thank you." Brittany answered and I rolled my eyes. Brittany threw the shirt down that she had tried on and ran her hand over her face._

"_Santana, literally this has got to be one of the most insane conversations I've ever had with you. I don't want to fuck him. I don't." She confessed and I frowned._

"_Fuck him? Who ever said anything about fucking him? I didn't say fucking him, I said attracted to him!" I yelled, despite the previous concern expressed by the sales clerk about my volume. I didn't say anything about her fucking him but obviously that's something she's had running around in her mind. _

"_But that's obviously what you meant!" Brittany retorted and I shook my head, rising to stand in front of her. _

"_No it's not!" I yelled back at her and Brittany grabbed my hands._

"_Just, can you please just fucking keep your voice down? Please, shhh." She asked me but I didn't fucking care about the volume of my voice right now. It was the farthest thing from my mind in fact._

"_I meant attracted you said fuck, who said fuck-" I yelled even louder as she cut me off._

"_Can you just fucking shut the fuck up?" Brittany yelled and I scoffed, pulling away from her and laughing to my self without any hint of humor at all. _

"_What? What do you want?" Brittany asked and I just shook my head, losing all hope because if she couldn't see what this was doing to me, to us, that it was tearing me apart from the inside out; then she was obviously blind to caring two flying fucks about this relationship at all._


	4. Tear Me Apart

**AN: Alright guys here is chapter 4...Can I have more reviews? Please? Let me just have them...Give in to my will. Lol Hope you enjoy!**

"_What? What do you want?" Brittany asked and I just shook my head, losing all hope because if she couldn't see what this was doing to me, to us, that it was tearing me apart from the inside out; then she was obviously blind to caring two flying fucks about this relationship at all._

"What? What do you want?" Emily asked as she divided up a line for herself.

"I want you to answer the fucking question." I said to Emily as she was skating around my previous question of whether I was more attractive than Brittany's boyfriend. She snorted the line and then came face to face with me.

"Santana, you are an impossibly attractive woman, you are, you really, really are but I don't know he has this angular, sexy diesel thing going on. And of course I'm a biased observer because I'm not attracted to females so really San, you can't go off of what I say. Plus I don't even really know him so he could be an asshole." Emily said, walking over to the other side of the counter to get her glass of wine. I took one last long drag of my cigarette and stubbed it out.

"You know what, fuck you Emily. If you were my friend you would have lied." I said shaking my head. She made her way back over to me with pleading eyes.

"Santana you are at her going away party. If you don't calm down you are going to drive me and you and everyone else and her into fucking party crazy. Just say goodbye and let her go because she's gone. She's gone." Emily finished and I felt the sting of her words. What she said stung and that was mostly because some truth was ringing, deafeningly so, in that sentence. I pushed off of the spot where I was leaning and paced around the bathroom.

"Line anyone?" Puck asked and Emily ventured her way over to him.

"Um no, no thank you but do you have a cigarette? I'm sorry." She asked him and he reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, retrieved his cigarettes and handed her one. He pulled out one for himself and then lit hers along with his. At this point I didn't know exactly what to do with myself. The drugs were sending my brain in to overdrive and I couldn't think straight. I dug at my temples to gain some relief from the pounding in my head.

"Alright you know what, I'm gonna go." Emily said as she began to grab her purse and coat.

"Are you leaving?" I asked, leaning up from my position on the sink.

"Yea I'm gonna go but thank you. Thank you for everything, really." I made my way over to her as she threw her jacket over one arm and started to leave the bathroom.

"Listen please do me a favor and don't tell Brittany I'm doing blow in this bathroom. That'll really screw me." I asked as Emily blew her smoke out and turned to face me.

"You know what Santana, yeah I'll try to remember that." Emily said sarcastically with an eye roll.

"Em, I'm serious, please?" She didn't say anything and just left the bathroom. I really hoped she didn't because it would majorly screw me. It would just be one more reason on the list of many that Brittany has to keep me out of her life.

"How long were you two together again?" Puck asked me as I did another line.

"Who, me and Brittany? Um three and a half years. " I said, setting up another line. Puck pulled out another cigarette and lit it.

"And you split when?" He asked, playing 21 questions.

"6 months and a few days ago." I replied, feeling the cocaine go straight to my fucking brain as I held my head back, letting it go down my nose.

"You're counting Santana, that's not a good sign." Puck said, and I rolled my eyes. No shit it wasn't a good sign but I couldn't help but count the days that she's been away. I couldn't help but count how many days it took for me to get to this place of destruction since she left.

"Why? Why do you say it's not a good sign?" I asked as he finished tying his probably 120 dollar fancy boy shoes.

"Joking. I was joking." He said taking a drag from his cigarette. I made my way over to him.

"So what's Brittany's sister name again?" He asked, fixing his jacket in the mirror.

"Emily. Can I get one of those?" I asked referring to the burning cigarette between his fingers and he reached into his jacket pocket, handing me one from the pack.

"Emily huh? She does terrible things to the heart." Puck said, a smirk on his face and I rolled my eyes at where his thoughts were going.

"She's like an X-rated barbie doll." He said as I pulled my lighter from my pocket and lit the cigarette. The first drag was relaxing and it calmed me a little from the rampant spin cycle my mind was on.

"How old is she?" Puck asked lighting his cigarette as well.

"I don't know, like 16, 17." I said and his eyes widened.

"17? Now I really wanna fuck her." I rolled my eyes at his perverted commentary.

"You'd fuck a seventeen year old?" I asked him drinking from my beer, awaiting his answer.

"Well you wouldn't? I mean if it's not against the law what's the problem? You can fuck a 15 year old in France. Does that make them all pedophiles? Right situation, right country, you'd fuck one too believe you me." Puck said nonchalantly and I shook my head.

"Right, international waters, deserted island, all types of shit can happen but if any of my special lady friends knew I fucked a 17 year old, they'd lose it. Not to mention I would feel like a cradle robber." I said, a slight shiver coming over me at the thought of it and Puck frowned at me.

"What's the matter with you? If guys actually tell women a 10th of the horrible things we think and do, do you think we'd ever get laid?" Puck asked and I shrugged. I had to admit he had a point.

"I mean once I asked a girl to piss on me." He said and I nearly chocked on my beer. That was just not normal at all. I turned to look at him with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"You asked a chick to piss on you?" I asked him incredulously, needing another drag from my cigarette to process what he just told me. Puck took a swig from his beer.

"Yes but I was on a horrible amount of E at the time." Puck said and I shook my head.

"Did she piss on you?" I asked, horrified that anyone would ever initiate something like that. It has to be damaging psychologically or something. Puck hesitated for a moment and then took a drink from his beer.

"Actually no, she pissed in my mouth." Puck said and I cringed at the thought. I gagged at the image playing in my head. I now knew for sure that someone pissing in your mouth had to be psychologically scaring. There is no way that it could not be.

"Oh my-She pissed in your mouth?" I'm pretty sure my eyes were the size of saucers.

"It was not a pleasant experience my friend. Believe me." I couldn't help laughing at the situation. It was gross no doubt but funny as all living hell.

"Wow, how the fuck does that happen? What is the exact conversation that leads to you having a girl piss in your mouth?" I asked still laughing but appalled. I made my way out of the glass double doors that lead to the balcony of the bathroom. It was getting hot in there and I needed some fresh air. Puck followed suit and came out on the balcony as well.

"It was a fucking mistress." Puck confessed and I raised my eyebrows.

"You paid an S&M chick?" I asked him in genuine surprise and Puck smirked.

"Many times." He replied and I couldn't contain my laughter any longer. Puck rolled his eyes.

"Look it's an expensive hobby. Both mentally and financially." He said, shrugging and drinking from his beer.

"So what's the deal? How does it work?" I asked, very intrigued. I sure wasn't one up for that shit. The idea of being beaten or chocked in the name of pleasure never really appealed to me.

"Look I don't know if I wanna go there you know?" Puck said resting his arms against the railing in the cool night air. I threw my hands up at his reluctance to share with me, the gruesome details.

"Come on man, you brought it up and I'm interested so explain it. I don't care, no one cares. Come on." I said, really wanting to know how this thing worked and how someone could possibly receive maximum pleasure from it. I mean maybe I can see getting whipped and hit because pain can be turned into pleasure but getting piss bombed? God that would be traumatizing.

"Look I don't wanna go there San. It's some twisted stuff." Puck said and I could imagine so but I didn't care I wanted to know.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone just come on," I said egging him on.

"Why the fuck do you wanna know?" Puck asked and I laughed shrugging.

"I just wanna know, like how does it work? Do you just go over there?" Puck laughed and shook his head.

"Look at you, you fucking dirt bag." He said amused and I laughed.

"What you brought it up Puck and I just want to know the inner workings of it allt." I said finishing off my beer.

"You wanna fucking go there. You fucking go there yourself and see. Leave my fucking demons to myself." Puck finished.

"Well where is it?" I asked, still nagging him.

"Tribeca you cunt." He answered annoyed, taking a drink from his beer.

"Explain it. How does it work? You just walk over?" I'm pretty sure Puck was itching to gag me to stop the flowing of questions about his escapades with the likes of S&M but I was not giving up until he caved. Puck sighed and I knew I had broken through.

"Ok so you phone from downstairs and magically they let you in through these enormous iron gates. You know you get all excited. You get all ramped up, you can't fucking wait to get in there," He said smirk on his face.

"I mean the whole thought of it just gets under your veins, you're into it ya know. And then all of a sudden they give you a big fat form." Puck said rolling his eye. I totally understood the form business though. I guess it was used in case if someone got hurt during the process they weren't made reliable for it. But then that makes you wonder, how can they be held reliable if that kind of stuff is illegal?

"It's a fucking five page disclaimer in fucking triplica. And so your like 'hold on, what is this? Paper work? I came here to get my fucking dick sucked, I didn't come here to sign forms." Puck said as he stubbed out his cigarette.

"It's fucking hilarious and you don't pay them, you give them a fucking donation. I mean that is so American isn't it? Come on." Puck said shaking his head at the situation but I only laughed. Nothing like paper work to kill your sexual buzz.

"Then they give you a little list and a pencil like in the sushi bar and you start checking off the requirements. You know...whipping, spanking, nipple clamps, cop aphelia..." Puck said naming off some of the things you can have done to yourself.

"What's cop aphelia?" I asked taking a hit from my cigarette. The term sounded familiar but I couldn't remember what it was exactly.

"It's when they shit on you. They shit in your mouth." He said and I shook my head cringing.

"Oh my god." I said, not fathoming how that can turn someone on.

"Yeah you can have it straight in the mouth or over a glass coffee table. Can you imagine? They fucking wheel out a glass table and they just shit all over it and you're just like 'AHHHHH you dirty bitch! Who the fuck asked for that fucking misery!" Puck said yelling while I tried desperately to control my laughter so I could breath.

"I hope not you." I said to him in between laughter. I hope he didn't go through that. If he did, no wonder he was in therapy.

"Anyways there's a long list dude. Infantilism, you've got-" I cut him off mid sentence.

"Wait, what's infantilism?" I asked puzzled.

"It's when you know they turn you into a baby and give you a bottle in the mouth, put you in diapers, nurse you like a two year old, like you're an infant." I was balking by then.

"Are you serious? People actually do that?" I asked and Puck shook his head.

"I mean it's the sickest, most twisted place you'll ever go. I mean they claw your balls, they'll tie your cock up with a shoelace, they'll stick truncheons up your ass. I mean it's...twisted, it's fucking twisted." Puck finished and I blew out my breath amazed at the shit they do. Fucking truncheons up your ass? That has got to hurt. Puck sighed.

"It's twisted but I'm telling you, the moment you cum, the moment you cum you are so sober." He said and I would imagine so after going through something like that.

"I mean so fucking sober. You're like What have I just done? What the fuck have I just done? I just paid 275 dollars for some stranger, some chick I don't even know to like whip me and piss on my head." Puck said drinking from his beer once more, eyes glassed over in remembrance.

"So what's the upside? Why do you do it? I don't get it." If it was nothing but pain and misery, why the fuck would anyone want to go through that? Puck shrugged.

"Well on a physical level it can be rather pleasurable. Psychologically, and this is without getting too deep here, I think it has a lot to do with pain and self flagellation, both literally and metaphorically." He said and I nodded my head. It was a lot to take in and the images would never leave my mind but I guess for some people being tormented with whips and chains and getting shit on was pleasurable. I flicked my cigarette off the balcony as someone knocked on the bathroom door.

"Yeah, one sec," I said as I left Puck on the balcony to go see who was at the door. It was Quinn. I made my way back over to Puck, before letting her in, to make sure one more in our party was fine. I mean after all it was his shit we were snorting afterall.

"Hey it's Quinn, come back in and we can do a couple lines." I said and Puck shook his head.

"Nah I can't dude. You help yourself to that, I'm gonna leave but it's been a fucking pleasure, I can't say how fucking grateful I am-" I cut him off.

"No you can't leave Puck. Don't leave. Please don't leave." I walked in front of him and tried to stop him in his tracks. I was practically pleading with him

"Don't fucking leave. Go get a drink and come right back." I said but Puck looked hesitant.

"Nah dude, I should go." Puck said starting to leave the bathroom once more but I stopped him again.

"Noah, come on, one fucking drink and come right back. Work Quinn, maybe you'll get laid." I said with a smirk and he sighed.

"A drink of what? What do you fucking want?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Anything, a bottle, Jack, tequila, whiskey whatever. You're staying though, right?" I asked, hoping for a yes. Puck was silent for a moment.

"One fucking drink, it is." He said and I threw my hands up in victory.

"One fucking drink, fine, fine, just don't go yet. You'll fucking thank me." I went and finally let Quinn into the bathroom, giving her a hug in greeting.

"Man I haven't had a bump in like three hours." Quinn said, closing the second door to the bathroom as she followed me inside. We made our way over to Puck and the mountain of white powder that was still covering the surface of Rachel Berry's painting. Man if she could see us, she would flip. Quinn and Puck threw each other pleasant greetings as I set up a few lines for us to do. I rolled up a new twenty and snorted the white powder, feeding that itching need for it in my system.

"Well I'm gonna grab us a drink and then I'm coming back alright, you want one Quinn?" Puck asked, even though she had a drink in hand.

"Um sure I'll have another one." She replied and he nodded.

"Alright I'll see you in a minute," Puck announced as he left the room, leaving me and Quinn alone in the bathroom. I took another drink of my newly opened beer as Quinn made her way over to me. Upon seeing the amount of cocaine we had acquired she whistled.

"Damn kid," Quinn said, grabbing my rolled up twenty, buzzing to do a line.

"So where did you get this from?" She asked, doing a massive line and letting it take her body over.

"Puck. He got the blow for me." I told her as she sniffed the white powder deeper into her nose.

"Hey you don't know if Brittany is here do you?" I asked her as she leaned against the sink. I had been working up the courage I would need to talk to her all night. I was hoping the lines would chill me out to do it but it was only serving to make me nervous and antsy.

"Uh, yeah, she got here like a minute ago." Quinn said and my heart gave a thump.

"What did she say? Does she know I'm here?" Quinn threw her hair to the side, getting ready to do a new line.

"Um no, I don't think so, she didn't say anything." Quinn replied and snorted the line that was in front of her. I leaned against the sink. Now that she was here, there was no need for me to stall anymore but I didn't know if I could face her just yet. With the coke, adrenaline, depression, and fear coursing through my veins, I didn't know if I could even come face to face with her after two months of literally not one word to each other. I sighed.

"I can't fucking believe she's leaving tomorrow, you know it's just so fucked up to me." I said shaking my head.

"Yeah well you know instead of you staying in here all night, why don't you go out there and talk to her? You know, I'm sure she'd love to talk to you." Quinn said and I scoffed.

"Yeah, I doubt that." I was pretty positive I was the last thing on her mind right now.

"Why would you say that? Like why wouldn't she want to talk to you? You guys in a fight or something?" Quinn asked and I looked at her like she had three fucking heads.

"A fight? Quinn, she hasn't called me in two months! I wasn't invited tonight!" I exclaimed, hitting my hand against the sink. The cocaine causing my sudden anger about Brittany leaving to multiple more than it should have.

"Don't you think that's a little fucking odd? She wouldn't call me and tell me she was moving across the fucking country?" I said, the anger starting to bubble over. I shook my head at the reality of it all. To put it plainly it was royally fucked up.

"Dude, she didn't call you?" Quinn asked in disbelief and I rolled my eyes.

"No!" I yelled and Quinn shook her head.

"Man that's fucked up." Quinn chimed in.

"I know! She didn't even leave me a fucking message. I know that girl better than anybody." I said indignantly, sniffing. I could taste the chalkiness of the cocaine in the back of my throat.

"Well when was the last time you talked to her?" Quinn asked as I spit the taste of cocaine that got caught in the back of my throat out.

"I don't know like two months." I said, removing my jacket as it was getting hot in the bathroom.

"Really? Well I'm sure she was gonna give you a call." Quinn set up another line and I rolled my eyes. Ever the naive one she was.

"When was she gonna call me?" I asked, walking over to where she stood in front of the divided lines of cocaine.

"I just checked my messages, was she gonna call me from LAX?" I leaned against the sink and blew out my breath.

"I don't fucking know." Quinn said, throwing her hands in the air after I shot her explanation down. I knew she meant well but I was fuming.

"It's fucked up!" I yelled, pacing the bathroom floor. The cocaine coursing through my system wouldn't let me be still. I grabbed my beer from off of the sink and took a few gulps of it. I know I was starting to sound like a broken record but it **was** fucked up. What Brittany was doing to me was fucked up. We had gone through a lot. Not to mention before we ever started dating we were best friends and to see her write me off so easily crushed me. I always figured that if we ever did call it quits in the relationship department, we would always stay friends but obviously I was sadly mistaken. The truth is, I would rather hurt for a million years and have her in my life as my friend then not have her in my life at all. Silence took over the bathroom as I drunk my beer, thinking about how twisted my life had become in a few short months.

"Hey Santana can I ask you something personal?" Quinn asked, breaking that silence.

"What?" I asked, still pacing the floor.

"Well..." Quinn hesitated for a moment as she was in the process of making herself a joint.

"Well it's probably, you know, I don't know if it's true or not, obviously that's why I'm asking and you know since we're cool and all I just figured, I'm just you know kind of concerned but I-I, anyway..." This was starting to be a long fucking question and I was growing impatient.

"Jesus Christ Q, will you fucking spit it out?" I asked exasperated.

"I kinda heard that um-" I cut her off.

"What? Something about Brittany?" I asked, as she continued to fill up the blunt.

"I heard that, it's probably bullshit, but I heard you uh-" I rolled my eyes.

"What Quinn? Fucking say it already, Jesus! Fuck!" I yelled, highly annoyed at the fact that she just wouldn't come out and say whatever it was that she was so concerned about. It was pissing me off.

"I kinda hear you tried to, um, kill yourself." Quinn finally said, wincing, and I looked at her like she was crazy. Oh the things that the fucking rumor mill spits out.


	5. The Weight Of Us

_"I kinda hear you tried to, um, kill yourself." Quinn finally said, wincing, and I looked at her like she was crazy. Oh the things that the fucking rumor mill spits out. _

"What? Who told you that? Brittany?" I asked, my anger exploding from me. I'm pretty sure if we were in a cartoon, there would be steam coming out of my ears right about now.

"No, it wasn't Brittany." She said, rolling her blunt up.

"Then who told you that? Who?" I yelled rather than asked her. I knew she knew exactly who told her that pack of lies but she was not spilling.

"I don't know! I don't fucking know, it was a long time ago, I don't even remember." Quinn said and I slammed my hand against the sink.

"Yeah well Quinn, Brittany was the only person who knew about that, so any way you heard it is pretty fucked up." I told her, not believing what I was hearing. I would never try to kill myself. I was a pretty fucking hot mess after Brittany left me yes, but I would never go that far.

"So what, it's not true?" Quinn asked and I frowned.

"No, it's not fucking true!" I screamed, walking away from the sink and pinching the bridge of my nose. I couldn't believe the pool of lies that others were swimming in.

"Well I don't get it, What the fuck happened then?" Quinn asked curiously.

"Well why don't you tell me what you heard happened and then I'll tell you what really happened." I said exasperated and she nodded, lighting her joint in the process. Quinn snorted a line real quick, blunt still in hand and holding her hair.

"Alright, okay so I heard that you and Brittany had a fight or something and then you left and later on she drove back to your place where she found you unconscious next to some sleeping pills or something and you had to get your stomach pumped. That's what I heard." Quinn finished, taking a long drag from her joint and I sighed, shaking my head.

"Now do you wanna know what really happened?" I asked her, looking at her expectantly.

"Yeah, I mean you know that's why I asked." She replied sarcastically and I cut my eyes at her. Quinn blew the smoke out from her joint and into the bathroom air.

"You know my dog Toker right? Well he's epileptic. So the vet, they prescribed him phenobarbital..." Quinn's face contorted into confusion so she spoke up.

"Pheno-What the fuck is phenobarbital?" She asked, trying to make o's out of the smoke she exhaled.

"Phenobarbital, like barbiturates, they're like downers for his fits." I said, sniffing and rubbing my hand under my nose. I was feeling a whole world of antsy.

"Wait, your dog has epilepsy and got prescribed pheno-" I cut her off.

"Yeah, yeah, let me finish, let me finish." I said, scratching my head, trying to remember my place.

"Anyways it was my two year anniversary with Brittany and I knew she thought I'd forget" I started, leaning against the sink...

"_Santana you always forget, always." Brittany said as I crossed the room with the gift I had gotten her in my hands. I might have forgotten before but this time I marked my fucking calendar. I didn't want her thinking that the first time we ever got together wasn't actually the best day of my life. I sat the present in front of her with a smile. Brittany only shook her head at me, completely shocked that I remembered._

"_I feel like such a jerk, I didn't get you anything." She said, looking at me with an apologetic face. I took her hand._

"_Britt Britt, that's totally fine. Just open it." I told her smiling and she returned it. Brittany hesitated for a moment and glanced back at me._

"_Open it." I encouraged her and she sighed, smile still on that beautiful face of hers and opened the red wrapped box. The reaction she gave to what I had gotten her was just the one I was looking for. I had gotten her this black silk dress she had been eying last week when we were shopping._

"_Oh my god! This is so gorgeous!" She squealed, standing up to bring it to herself and twirling. I laughed at her how adorable she was._

"_How did you know I wanted this dress?" Brittany asked me in awe._

"_I saw you drooling all over it the last time we were at Valentino's." I said as she continued to fawn over the dress. _

"_I love it! Thank you so much!" Brittany squealed once gain, jumping up and down. I was glad she liked it and it made me feel like I had done something right for a change. I always forgot our anniversary but I think this kind of made up for it. Brittany put the dress back in the box but still admired it. I got up from my spot on the couch to get the second gift I had gotten her. If the dress didn't win me points, I knew this second present would. Brittany had been ranting and raving for months about wanting one. I brought the gift bag over to her._

"_There's more? What is that?" She asked excitedly as I tried my best to keep the present hidden in the bag. I sat it between us and the puppy popped its head out._

"_Oh my god Santana!" Brittany yelled with excitement, taking the puppy out of the bag and holding it in her lap. _

"_Hi little guy," Brittany cooed to the puppy, all smiles and giggles. She then leaned in and peppered me with kisses._

"_I love you so much." Brittany said in between kisses. She gave me one last kiss and then went back to petting the dog._

"_Look at him! I can't believe you did this." She said happily and I smiled. I would do anything to make her happy. Even if it meant having to deal with the hassle of taking care of a dog. If it made her happy I was all for training a puppy. The phone rang as Brittany was playing around with the dog so she adjusted the puppy in her lap to answer it._

"_Hello?" Brittany asked into the phone as I played with the puppy's paw. It was the cutest darn thing I had ever seen. Britt laughed into the receiver at who ever was on the other end and I wondered who it was. _

"_Hey, can I just call you back? No I'm just in the middle of something." Brittany said and I frowned as I played idly with the puppy's paw some more. It was clearly a guy on the other line. I could hear his voice clear as day. Brittany soon said her goodbyes and hung up the phone. I sat back on the couch._

"_Who was that?" I asked as Brittany began to shower the puppy with kisses._

"_It was just Quinn." She answered, her full attention on the puppy and I looked at her taken aback._

"_Look at his paws!" Brittany said and I sat there, staring at her, trying to understand why she would lie to me about who was on the phone. She turned her attention back to me and frowned._

"_What? What is it? What's wrong?" Brittany asked, concern in her voice._

"_I heard a guys voice on the phone." I said and she laughed, looking back at the phone. You know how people get that look when they've been caught? It's a distinct look, an all knowing look and it's one you can't miss. Well she was wearing that exact same face. Like she had been caught and my heart sank._

"_What? Are you crazy? That was Quinn." Brittany said innocently and I came level with her on the couch._

"_Swear to god?" I asked and she scoffed, fixing the puppy back in her arms._

"_Yes. I swear to god." Brittany said shaking her head and laughing. She was laughing but I was serious. I couldn't have be more serious in my life._

"_If you don't believe me go ahead and call her." Brittany said and I rose from my place on the couch next to her and went over to the phone. _

"_Santana, are you really gonna fucking call her?" She asked in disbelief. I guess she didn't think I would call her bluff but I was. I picked up the receiver and hit redial, calling whoever the fuck it was that had just called her because I knew it wasn't Quinn. It rang twice and a man answered the phone._

"_Hello, yes is Quinn there?" I asked._

"_No. Who is this?" The dickwad asked and I lost it._

"_This is Brittany's girlfriend, who the fuck is this?" I didn't even wait for an answer from whoever the fuck this asshole was. I didn't need one. It was obvious what was going on here. I slammed the phone back on the hook._

"_Brittany, what the fuck is this? Who was that? Why did you just lie to me?" I yelled and Brittany got up from the couch, puppy in hand and walked past me._

"_Ok just let me explain-" Brittany started but I cut her off, furious._

"_You better fucking explain! What? Why'd you lie? Are you cheating on me?" I asked and she sighed._

"_No. No, listen. I was really fucked up, I was out with the girls-" Brittany began and I shook my head. If a conversation ever, and I mean ever starts with the words 'I was really fucked up' always know its headed for hell. _

"_Oh fucking perfect! You were really fucked up-" Brittany yelled over me._

"_Are you gonna let me explain?" She asked, holding the puppy tighter to her._

"_Yes, yes you better fucking explain Brittany!" I yelled. I pinched the bridge of my nose, knowing exactly where this was going. I knew where it was going but I wanted her to say it. I wanted to hear it come from her mouth because I had enough of her fucking lies._

"_Ok the clubs were closing, we decided to go back to Rachel's boyfriend's loft, I-I fucking passed out, I wake up the next morning a-and the g-there's somebody lying in bed next to me." Brittany finished and I crossed my arms over my chest. I could poke holes through the web of lies she was tossing at me. If she was going to lie to my face, she could at least make it believable._

"_And then what? He didn't try anything? You're fucked up, you're in his bed and he didn't try anything? I find that very hard to believe Brittany. And don't fucking lie to me. If you fucking lie to me, I'm walking out the fucking door!" I yelled and she flinched._

"_Santana...he tried to kiss me but there was nothing because I pushed him away, it was not a big deal!" I scoffed and took a few steps back from her._

"_Define try, Britt. I want to know every single fucking detail. Where you on the covers? Where you under the covers? Was his hand on your tit?" I asked and Brittany balked._

"_No, Santana! He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away." Brittany said, panic written all over her face. I could see the fear in those crystal blue eyes. She knew she was losing me and she was. _

"_You pushed him away?" I asked putting my hands on top of my head, not believing her one bit._

"_Yes! Yes! I walked outside, Quinn called me a cab and I went home." I believed that fairies existed more that I believed what she was telling me right now. _

"_You went home? So why the fuck is he calling you? How does he have your number?" I asked the million dollar question. Brittany was starting to cry but I was too mad to care that I was making her cry. She was only crying because she got caught._

"_I don't know Santana! Maybe, maybe Rachel's boyfriend gave him the number but I definitely didn't give it to him." Brittany said, sniffing and still holding the puppy. I blew out my breath and sat in the lounge chair in her living room, my head in my hands. _

"_Nothing happened. I swear to god nothing happened. Don't you fucking believe me? Please!" Brittany pleaded, tears falling from her eyes. I found it ironic that she was swearing to god that nothing happened when just two seconds ago she was swearing to god that it was Quinn on the phone. _

"_Brittany! I don't know what the fuck to believe! You just swore to god that was Quinn on the phone and it wasn't so what the fuck? We've dated for two years, I believed everything you said up until this point and now it's like I don't know what the fuck to believe! It's like your words are meaningless!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in defeat. There was silence for a few heartbeats._

"_I just don't trust you anymore, Brittany." I said with finality._

"_I made a mistake. I made one fucking huge mistake. I'm sorry!" Brittany pleaded and with her words, they brought about realization._

"_If it was one fucking mistake, why did you just tell him you were going to call him back?" I asked, getting up from my seat in the lounge chair. Brittany's mouth opened and then closed, finding nothing to say. _

"_Why would you tell a guy who you don't know, whose number you don't have, you're gonna call him back? What the fuck is that?" I yelled rather than asked. It was ridiculous the way I was picking through her lies..._

"So I took a couple of Toker's phenobarbital." I said and Quinn started laughing.

"Wait, you took your dogs medication?" She asked, looking askance at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Phenobarbital is phenobarbital, it doesn't matter the fact that it was for my dog. People have been taking it recreationally for years. It doesn't matter that it was for him." I said hotly and Quinn raised her hands in placation, offering me the blunt as well. She lit it for me and I took a long, slow drag off of it.

"So wait a minute, what does it do to you?" Quinn asked in reference to the phenobarbital as I exhaled the smoke.

"They make you feel good. They're euphoric. You know like downers." I explained to her, sniffing and taking another hit from the joint.

"Anyway, I was pretty drunk at the time and I took like five or six of them." I said and Quinn threw her hands in the air in disbelief.

"Five or six doggy downers?" Quinn asked and I shook my head.

"Yeah, Toker's 50 pounds, he takes two, I'm a buck twenty, that's a pretty good calculation." I said in my defense. Quinn shook her head.

"The problem with barbiturates is that if you're drunk you can kinda fall into a coma if you're not careful." I told her, taking another puff off of the joint.

"You went into a coma too? What's wrong with you?" Quinn asked in disbelief.

"No, I didn't go into a fucking coma Quinn, Brittany came back to apologize or whatever and found me." I said finishing. I got up from my spot on the floor and went over to the sink, grabbing a new bottle of beer. I popped the cap off of it and took a long, deep drink.

"It's so fucked up! The fact she's out there telling people that makes me so livid!" I yelled, once again pacing the floor.

"I would never try to kill myself. I would never do that to anyone. It's just fucking rude." I said still pacing the floor, idly taking drinks from my beer as Quinn lied across the edge of the jacuzzi bath tub that decorated the lavish bathroom.

"So they never pumped your stomach?" She asked, resting one arm behind her head, watching me walk over every square inch of the bathroom floor.

"No, they didn't pump shit. I went the hospital, I took a fecal herency test. That's it. That's all. You see how everything gets twisted when little fucking girls gossip?" I asked her, truly outraged by the situation. I would never try to kill myself. It was dumb. I wouldn't accomplish anything if I offed myself.

"Yeah, I mean I guess." Quinn said and I turned the look at her.

"What? Do you not believe me?" I asked her, leaning against the wall.

"No, of course I believe you Santana. That's why I asked. I was concerned." Quinn said and I sighed. I took another drink from my beer.

"It just makes me so fucking furious that she's out there telling people this warped version of what happened." I confessed. I hated the fact that she would ever tell anyone that but it hurt more than anything. Even if I did, and I didn't, try to kill myself, her running around telling people was just wrong. I sighed and Quinn sat up on her elbows.

"You know what, just please don't go out there telling her I told you this alright? That's the last thing you need right now." Quinn said, taking a hit from the joint.

"Believe me Quinn, the last thing I'm gonna do is mention your name." I reassured her. Quinn sighed.

"Well honestly Santana, if I were you, I wouldn't even bring this shit up. It's her last night here, just focus on something positive alright? She doesn't want to hear that shit." Quinn said and even though I knew she was right, I didn't want to believe her. I knew that Brittany didn't want to hear it. I knew she probably didn't even want to see me. But I couldn't let her leave without hearing everything that I had to say. I couldn't let her leave me for good without her knowing every little thing I felt from the day she walked out my door up until this point. The anxiety I was starting to feel, along with the rush of the cocaine that was still heavily coursing through my system, began to make my heart pound and my chest hurt. I took a few deep breaths but it wasn't going away. I brought my hand to my chest, clutching at it, in hopes to make the sharp pain go away but the act was useless. I could feel Quinn's eyes on me.

"Fuck." I let out breathlessly. It felt like someone was taking a jackhammer and chiseling away at my chest.

"Are you alright? What? What's wrong?" Quinn asked, concern thickly lacing her voice. With one had still on my chest, I doubled over, putting my free hand on my knee. Although it was coming on strong, I was use to it. It was just another wave of panic attacks that I had grown to have since Brittany left me. It was sort of poetic in a way. The aching in my chest from her leaving me wasn't only figurative but literal as well.

"_What's wrong?" Dr. Livingston asked and I shook my head back and forth, not knowing the answer._ _If I did, I wouldn't be paying money out of my ass to come to these sessions two times a week. __I rubbed my eyes, desperately trying to will the pounding in my head to go away. I was lying on that stupid leather couch again for what seemed liked the 20__th__ time this week. Dr. Quack was asking me an array of stupid fucking useless questions that I didn't have the answers to which only served to infuriate me and fry my brain even more. _

"_I don't know, I don't know!" I groaned out. I dug my fingers into my temples, just trying to resist the urge to bang my head against the edge of the couch._

"_I don't know! Because I start sweating and my heart starts pounding and I feel like my head's spinning and the world is crashing around me and I get pulled down. Down, further into like the darkest, meanest places of my brain and I start suffocating." I sighed, taking a much needed breath._

"_And I feel like I'm dying." I said with finality, looking over at Dr. Livingston, gauging his reaction. He gave me a blank expression as he tapped idly on his knee. I rolled my eyes, frustrated._

"_What?" I asked, looking over at him. I wasn't paying this dip shit to stare at me but to fix me._

"_What? Say something!" I yelled, completely livid with his lack of interest in my problem. That was his job wasn't it? He could at least act like he cared for fucks sake._

"_What would you like me to say?" Dr. Livingston replied to my earlier question and I threw my hands up in utter disbelief._

"_Anything! Something! I don't care!" Who would have thought that going to therapy would cause me to possibly have to need more therapy. Dr. Livingston narrowed his eyes at me and brought his hand to his chin. _

"_I can't be your crutch Santana." If it wasn't illegal to stab people, I would do just that right now._

"_Oh you are such a miserable fucking human being." I told him, disgust and anger written all over my face as I looked at him. I then turned to look back at the ceiling above me, for fear that I would punch that blank look off his face if I didn't._

"_Miserable in what way?" It was always questions, questions, questions with him. I shook my head and sighed. _

"_In the way that you're just sitting there and taking my fucking money and I'm dying!" I yelled, sitting up on the couch._

"_Nothing you do helps me! The Prozac doesn't help, the lithium doesn't help, the Zoloft doesn't help, nothing you do helps. You're kind of a fucking asshole." I told him with finality, shaking my head and scooting further up on the leather couch. Dr. Livingston was still looking at me, waiting. For what? I don't know. I guess for me to realize some immense fucking revelation about my life that he would surely take credit for me figuring out. I kicked his coffee table, running my fingers through my hair._

"_I just wanna fucking," I let go of another sigh, throwing my head back against the couch._

"_I just wanna fucking turn the pain off," I said snapping my finger for emphasis. I wish it was as easy as that. As easy as a snap of the finger. If I could turn the pain off, then maybe I could be able to live again. Find some semblance of a life again. Possibly move on. _

"_Just turn it off you know? Just give me something that the pain can go away with. Ya know?" I asked, rubbing my eyes, my head still resting back on the leather sofa._

"_Can you do that? James?" I asked, sighing, exhausted. There was a moment of silence._

"_I-I think you're doing great." Dr. Livingston said, and I rolled my eyes. I could hear the enthusiastic encouragement in his voice but I could care less that he was proud I was making progress. Because it didn't feel that way at all. I didn't feel like I was making progress at all. I felt like I was still stuck. And I felt like that feeling would never go away. Not with her out of my life. _


	6. Running Up That Hill

I stood at the sink beside Quinn while she did another line giddily. She took it all in, visibly bouncing while it traveled through her system.

"When that first wave of anxiety hits, it's fucking terrifying because it's like fuck me, maybe I really am going crazy. Maybe I've finally done enough drugs and fucked with my head enough that I've just detached from reality. You know?" I said, putting my hands on top of my head, feeling another wave of adrenaline hit me full force.

"You start having these horrible revelations." I said, walking away from Quinn at the sink and pacing the bathroom again, a desperate need to get rid of the rush.

"Revelations? Like what?" Quinn asked, puzzled.

"Like I started freaking out about death." I said walking back over to her and leaning my palms against the sink.

"I became so obsessed with it. I just couldn't conceptualize not being here. Just not being here someday. One day, Quinn, you and I are going to be dead. Buried. Gone." I said, hitting the sink for emphasis. I was facing her head on but she was listening to my every word.

"And then you start thinking about religion and how people are just blindly swallowing these concepts like God, and heaven and the after life just to suppress our deepest, most fears which is that we don't know why we're here." I said, motioning around. I knew I was going on a rampage but I couldn't stop myself.

"Why are we here? It makes no sense." I finished, feeling more jumpy than when I had started.

"It totally makes sense!" Quinn said and I threw her a look as I set up another line, in hopes that it would calm my nerves.

"It allows people, the masses, to go on living their everyday lives without constantly obsessing over these things you're talking about." She said lifting her hands for emphasis as I did a line.

"You know these realities, life, death, heaven, hell, existence, why we're here? You know, who knows? It's possible that a god does exist. An energy, a force, spirit, whatever you wanna call it. I believe that!" Quinn said shrugging and I shook my head. Yes that could very well be a possibility, but it still left me skeptical. There was a possibility that pigs could fly too, but you don't see everyone believing that now do you?

"Right, sure, fair enough. So what do you think happens when you die?" I asked, eyebrows raised. There was silence as I looked at Quinn expectantly, waiting for her answer. She took a drag off the cigarette she lit and spoke up.

"I don't fucking know! You fucking die! Why does there have to be an answer to every fucking question? Why can't there just be mysteries in the world?" Quinn asked, throwing her hands up in the air as smoke left her mouth. I leaned against the sink and let out a sigh, frustrated.

"You know what I'm saying? I don't know. Your body dies. Your actual, physical being dies. But your spirit, I do believe, lives on. It lives on in the world. It's just this continuing thing o-of existence dude. It doesn't have to have a fucking perfect answer. Why?" Quinn finished, frantically trying to get me to see her point. If I had to honestly admit, the girl had a point. I rolled my eyes.

"Alright fine. I buy that a little more than an invisible guy in the sky, taking checks and balances on 6 million people. I think that sounds like Santa Clause!" I confessed incredulously. Quinn pushed her hair to one side of her shoulder to move it out of the way of the line she was about to do.

"It sounds like a fairytale for adults who can't handle death." I finished, the sound of Quinn snorting the line the only sound filling the now quiet bathroom. I leaned against the sink again for what seemed like the 100th time tonight. I couldn't wrap that concept around my head. It made no sense that people were so ready to believe in something so immense, so impacting, without proof. Without any sign of that said power over all living human beings actually existing.

_Brittany blew the smoke of the cigarette out as she sat on the edge of the tub, towel wrapped around her, with her feet dangling in the water. She had put the mentholated shaft between the spaces of a fork so it wouldn't get wet. It was cute the things she did. I was still lounging in the warm water as she spoke again. _

"_I mean, cause if you think about it, there was a time that we didn't know that the world was round. Or that the atom existed, or whatever right? Because we didn't have the technology to observe it." Brittany said, rubbing her eye. I ran my hand up and down her bare leg as I listened to her._

"_And then boom, one day we do. Right? So I think it's totally, conceivably possible that in our lifetime we will have the technology to observe god, or, or whatever it is that created us and the planets and the universe and everything else." Brittany said, taking another drag off of her cigarette. Yes, I was listening to all she had to say, but to say I wasn't skeptical about it would make me a liar. _

"_Right? It's important to at least have faith in the possibility of a higher being, or something or whatever because otherwise, I don't know, you're just gonna drive yourself completely fucking insane." Brittany finished, handing me the cigarette. I took the fork from her hand, inhaling a long drag off of the cigarette, letting the feeling settle in my chest. _

"_But right. That really is the operative word, isn't?" I asked, taking another drag from the cigarette._

"_What do you mean, what word?" She asked, wiggling her toes that were next to me. _

"_Faith." I answered for her, taking another short puff off the cigarette and handing it back to her._

"_Because without faith, what do you have? You have nothing. You have a few stories, written a hundred years ago-thousands of years ago, by people who were much more clueless than we are today. These are the same people, might I add, that were crucifying people who said the world was round. So you know..." I said as I began to massage Brittany's foot that was beside me. She took another hit from the cigarette, studying me. I sighed._

"_I just need more proof. I need scientific logic to support this religion." I confessed and Brittany shook her head._

"_Okay, you want proof?" She asked as she blew out a cloud of smoke. I looked up at her, skeptical that she had actual proof to this religion._

"_I will give you proof. There was a study that was done in Japan with physicist ok? They took two vats of rice," Brittany paused to take another drag from her cigarette._

"_They put one in one room, they put one in another room. They put a time lapse camera on it so they could observe it for a month. They let all these people come in to one room and they would say 'I love you rice. You are the best rice. You are the most beautiful, most gorgeous, sexy rice there is'" Brittany carried on and I was intrigued at how enthusiastic she was. But what she was saying was asinine. _

"_But in the other room they would say 'I fucking hate you rice! I hate you! You're the worst rice ever! Fuck you rice! You're the worse rice!" I couldn't contain the smile that broke out on my face then and I shook my head. Brittany couldn't actually believe this? _

"_Anyways, after a month, the rice that they said I love you to was still edible. The other rice? Looked like fucking black sludge." Brittany finished and I knew by the look on my face, she was sure I didn't believe her. And I didn't. What did this so called study have to do with religion or anything about the speculation of a higher power, that would one day judge us for our short comings and wrong doings? I'll tell you. It had nothing to do with it and it surely wasn't any proof I would take as believable._

"_I saw the pictures, I saw you know I-I-the time lapse video. It's a study and it's real and I saw it with my own eyes. That's your proof right there. I mean it's energy. We are effecting something, god is energy." Brittany told me frantically and I sighed. _

"_Brittany, you're talking about rice. Rice. It has nothing to do with religion. Nothing to do with God." I said and she rolled her eyes, taking another drag from the cigarette and setting it down on the edge of the tub._

"_I don't know what you want from me then. I gave you proof." Brittany said still shaking her head._

"_I'm sorry I don't find proof in that." I said equally shaking my head at the insanity of it all. That was not proof. Not at all. Brittany sighed, giving up and left the bathroom. Now she was mad. I knew it was going to get here eventually. I got out of the bathtub, dried off and grabbed my robe, putting it on and followed her downstairs._

"_You know what your problem is? Your problem is that you're so undyingly convinced that everything your parents taught you, that everything your teachers taught you, you hold it as this indisputable, almighty truth." I said putting one hand on my hip while using the other to lean against the kitchen counter as she rummaged through the refrigerator, her bright red robe now covering her body. Brittany sighed and turned to face me._

"_Santana, can we please just drop it? Please? Can we please just fucking drop it?" Brittany pleaded, turning back to look inside the refrigerator. It was always like this. She would sprout off her opinions and beliefs, opening this can of warms, but whenever I came back with my own opinions and beliefs on the topic, ones that were more valid than her own precious ones, she wanted to drop it. Fuck that._

"_The only reason you want to drop it is because you know I'm right. Admit that and we'll talk about whatever you wanna talk about." I said shrugging. _

"_Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" Brittany yelled, slamming the stainless steel refrigerator door shut._

"_But just admit it. You're afraid to question authority because what it they were wrong? What if there is no god? What if all your parents and all your elders were just as scared to death as you were, and they were brainwashed, just like you, you're just blind to see it." I finished and as I did Brittany turned on me with a calmness that even scared me for a second. _

"_Okay so, I'm brainwashed because I happen to think that believing in something other than, uh, meaningless and nonexistence, is a positive thing." Brittany shook her head, fuming, but I wasn't going to back down._

"_Ok, ok, that's really smart Santana." Brittany said flippantly and I shrugged._

"_Good, I'm glad you agree with me." I replied, smugly, still leaning against the counter. Brittany threw her hands in the air out of exasperation._

"_I was being facetious, you dip shit." Brittany said, turning around and leaving the kitchen. She was throwing out names, letting me know that she was boiling. I didn't appreciate it. I followed her._

"_Why are you calling me a dip shit?" I asked her retreating form but I didn't get an answer. Now I was starting to get mad. I followed the path she took out into the living room._

"_Why are you calling me a dip shit?" I asked her a little louder than was necessary. My voice tends to raise a few volumes when I'm pissed off. I could see her gritting her teeth as I stood closely in front of her._

"_Because, Santana, you always have to be right." Brittany began and I crossed my arms over my chest, ready for whatever barbs she had to throw my way._

"_Why do you always have to be right? And your ego! Your ego, it's just huge! It's just out of fucking control!" Brittany yelled and I frowned._

"_Why are you freaking out? There's no need to freak out." I said as I saw the beginnings of her starting to completely fucking lose it. _

"_Santana, because you don't know when to stop! You keep going, and going, and going until people just wanna smash your face in!" Brittany yelled, using her hands for emphasis. This was really starting to take a turn for the worst._

"_So, okay, maybe God doesn't exist. I guess me and the billions upon billions and billions of other people, who actually pray to something, are completely deluded and __**you **__are right." I laughed humorlessly at her hysterics and put my hands on my hips._

"_You are all knowing, you're god Santana. Isn't that what you wanna fucking hear anyway? That everyone else is wrong and you're right?" Brittany asked, anger rolling off the tip of her tongue into every word she threw at me._

"_Doesn't everybody?" I asked her nonchalantly and I saw it in her eyes before the rest of her. She snapped._

"_And I'm the one that's deluded? And I am fucking deluded? You are-you're sick! You're sick Santana! You need fucking mental help!" Brittany practically screamed in my face._

"_God! You just make everybody crazy! You're making me fucking crazy! You blanket people with your pseudo-intellectual bullshit!" Brittany yelled, mocking me and throwing her hands in the air to make her point of how insane I made her. I frowned at her. Brittany was really telling me how she felt. No holding back at all._

"_And then they can't fucking breath! You just suffocate people! You don't talk to people Santana, you talk at them1" Brittany screamed, her volume making my ears ring with anger. I'd had enough of her tearing me down._

"_Yeah well at least I talk about real shit Brittany!" I yelled, equally as loud._

"_We've been going out for two years, what's the most intelligent conversation we've had? Whether or not Mac's having a sale on makeup?" I asked, shaking my head._

"_What's that suppose to mean?" Brittany asked but I was done hearing her talk._

"_Or no, how many grams of fat are in a slice of vegetarian pizza?" I asked her, rolling my eyes. _

"_Oh fuck you! You are so annoying!" Brittany finished, walking away from me to the balcony window. Again, I followed her. I patiently let her sling her words at me and now she was going to hear me out. Whether she cared to or not._

"_No fuck you! Fuck you Brittany! You are ten times more annoying than me! And you know what? You get away with it because no one's listening to you. They just stare at your tits, thinking of ways to fuck you!" It came out of my mouth before I could stop it. I saw the hurt cross her face and I immediately wished I could take it back. There was silence for a heartbeat._

"_I cannot fucking believe that I ever fell in love with a fucking asshole like you!" Brittany screamed as she harshly shoved my shoulder. _

"_You are such a fucking asshole!" Brittany screamed as she slapped at me, making contact on several occasions._

"_Brittany stop!" I yelled, blocking her hands and pushing them away as she let her anger out full force._

"_I fucking hate you!" She screamed, her hands slapping and tears falling. I finally grabbed her arms and held them tightly as she struggled against my body._

"_Take it easy." I said as she thrashed against me. Seeing as I was smaller than the blonde, I had to use all my strength to hold her in my arms._

"_Stop, stop, stop." I said grabbing her face in my hands. I never meant to let it escalate this far. I searched her blue eyes that were bright with tears and before I could say anything, her lips were on mine. The kiss was rough, and heated and out of place. She pushed me back on the recliner that was behind us and straddle my hips, never breaking the kiss. Both of our hands were roaming and desperate. I held her close to me but it wasn't enough for her. Brittany roughly pulled the tie to my robe undone and opened it. She wasted no time in plunging three fingers deep inside of me, making me cry out in pain that quickly turned to pleasure. She then situated herself between her hand and my mound and started to rock into it roughly, needing to get off. The gentle touches that often accompanied my lover were gone and it was just raw emotion. Anger. It didn't feel right at all but I didn't push her away. I let her get what she needed from me. Brittany rocked faster, harder, dangerously so, than I thought her fragile body could take. It didn't take too long before we were both riding the waves of an intense orgasm. My blonde beauty collapsed on top of me, wrapping her arms around my body tightly and holding me close. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. For what I said, for not letting go when she asked me to. But most of all I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I never meant to make her feel all this anger and frustration she clearly felt when being with me. I held her tighter to me but it wasn't what she wanted because as soon as she caught her breath, she shoved my arms off of her and me away as she got up to leave. I grabbed her wrist in her haste, trying to hold on to her, but she jerked it away from me as if I had burned her and continued up the stairs. _

"_Brittany..." I called out to her but it wasn't enough to get her to stop as she disappeared up the stairs._

**AN: So I am totally loving that there are more reviews. It makes me a happy girl lol anyways I would like feedback on this chapter. The flash back was kinda harsh but I enjoyed writing and I hope I did it justice. Let me know yea?**


	7. Bruised

"I'm not gonna get her back am I?" I asked Quinn, chocking back a sob. The tears were running down my face freely now. I felt weak crying in front of her but it was all I could do not to break down. I was plagued with constant memories of us and it killed me inside. Quinn looked at me sympathetically and sighed.

"I don't know." She answered honestly, resting her hand upon mine.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" Quinn asked and I shook my head. Maybe I should. Quinn then rose from the position she was sitting in, in front of me.

"Are you leaving?" I asked, a little too frantic than I cared to acknowledge, as she walked over to her things. I got up to follow her.

"I'm just really claustrophobic right now. I just need some air." Quinn replied, scratching her head.

"I'm not freaking you out am I?" I asked her, wiping the stray tears from my face and taking a hit from my cigarette. I probably was freaking her out. The fact that I, Santana Lopez, was sitting here crying in Rachel Berry's bathroom was probably freaking her out.

"No, no, really I'm just so high right now. I need a drink." She finally said and I sniffed, nodding my head.

"Alright well here let me give you some of this," I said as I made my way over to the sink that the cocaine occupied. I packed her some of the powder in a little plastic bag and then handed it to her.

"Whoa, that's way too much." Quinn began, raising her hands, not wanting to take it. I grabbed her hand anyways and placed the bag in it.

"Please, take it." I said and she did. I certainly didn't need anymore cocaine with the state I was in.

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked, skeptical and I shook my head.

"Yeah, positive." I answered and she smiled.

"Thanks San, that's really sweet." Quinn said, putting the bag in her purse. She then pulled me into a hug which I gladly accepted it. Quinn and I were best friends once and although it was rocky on the way, and we had our differences, I knew if I ever needed her, she was good for it.

"So are you gonna come out there or what?" Quinn asked as she hefted her coat in her arms, awaiting my answer. I should go out there. Stalling was clearly only making things worse but I still wasn't ready to face her. To face the one person that could see right through all the bullshit straight to the real me. To face Brittany S. Pierce, the only one who could ever break my heart all the while still having me at her complete mercy.

"Uh yeah, I'll be out there in a minute. I'm just gonna hang here for a minute. Get my head together." I said walking over to the sink and away from her.

"Alright, well I'll see you out there okay?" She said and I nodded. Quinn gave me one last glance and then made her way out of the bathroom to leave me in there by myself. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I then leaned against the sink. I really didn't know how much more I could take. I needed to go and talk to her. But I was scared shitless because what if Brittany really is gone? I don't think I could handle it. I've been living in this world where there was a possibility, even if it was small, that I could get her back. It has always been there in the back of my mind. But what if talking to her tonight shattered that? Then I would truly be left with nothing. Empty. Alone. Where the hell was Puckerman with my drink?

_**...**_

I blew out my breath as I paced the bathroom floor. Seriously, it was going to have trail marks embedded in it from all the pacing I've been doing tonight. I took a deep breath through my nose and exhaled it through my mouth, trying to calm myself down.

"Alright, alright..." I said began, trying to psych myself out.

"Come on Santana. Mellow out, mellow out," I chanted as I continued to pace, shaking my hands out to will away the nerves. I needed to calm them before I exploded. I blew my breath out in a rapid succession.

"Mellow out, stop doing blow." I said as I rubbed my eyes, trying to will myself to calm the fuck down. My pacing started up again and I ran my hands together, anxious.

"Man I gotta stop doing coke," I said to myself. I really did need to stop doing blow. It only serves to get me into more shit, bad shit, than I care to get into.

"Don't grind your teeth, you grind your teeth then you're fucked," I said stopping in front of the mirror for a second, looking at my reflection. If I ground my teeth in front of her she would know. I stood there, trying to see if I could stand completely still but it didn't work. If anyone walked into the bathroom right now they would fully believe I was a crazy person. Sometimes I truly thought I was going insane though. I guess drugs will do that to you.

"Go out there, get a drink. What's the worse that could happen?" I asked myself as I continued moving around the bathroom. Oh I don't know maybe running into Brittany, getting into an argument, and because I'm hopped up on blow, ruining any chance of getting her back. Yeah that sounds about right. It surely is Santana-esque.

"You fuck up tonight and it's over." I said to the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. It was the truth though. If I screwed up tonight, Brittany was gone forever. I took an extra deep breath, held it for a few seconds and let it go. I then ran my fingers through my hair, trying to make myself look presentable. I was ready to go out there. I didn't have to talk to her right away but I had to at least be woman enough to get out of this fucking bathroom. I rubbed my hands together in finality and then made my way over to the door. As soon as I opened it, hearing the chatter of **her** friends, people that probably despised me, I hesitated. Am I ready for it all to end? Am I ready for what's to come?

_**...**_

_I ran my fingers up and down her bared back, trying to sooth her. I hated seeing her cry and knowing that I was the cause of it broke my heart. Once again, she was asking me to do something I just couldn't._

"_Brittany, come on...you know I do." I said, hoping to assure her of it. I loved Brittany more than anyone in this world. I wrapped the sheet around me tighter as she laid in front of me._

"_Well if you do, if you love me, then why don't you just say it! Why can't you just fucking say it Santana? Why is it so impossible for you?" Brittany asked, looking at me as the tears coated her vision and fell down her cheeks. I sighed and looked away. I couldn't watch her break down like this._

"_It's three words. It's eight fucking letters Santana. You can't say eight fucking letters? It's not a lot of letters." She said shaking her head. Brittany was looking at me expectantly, but once she realized all she was getting was silence she gave up and buried her face in the pillow that was in front of her. I knew I was hurting her by not saying it. By not giving her the one thing I knew she wanted the most from me. But I couldn't give her what she wanted. No. I did it once and it nearly killed me. She nearly killed me. We sat in silence for a while; Brittany crying and me just sitting there, watching her. It's not like I haven't tried to say those words to her again but every time I open my mouth to, they get stuck in my throat, the fear takes over and I don't. I don't say them. I couldn't take it anymore, seeing her broken like that, so I reached into her purse that was sitting right by my knee and pulled out her eyeliner. I then leaned over her and wrote I love you on her shoulder. I couldn't say it but I could write it. When I was finished, she looked at my handy work on her shoulder before turning her crystal blue eyes, marked with tears, to me. Brittany blew out her breath._

"_Say it," Was all she said as she stared me down. I opened my mouth but shut it quickly after doing so. I couldn't. _

"_Santana. Say it." Brittany said again and I shook my head._

"_I can't." Was my response and she gritted her teeth._

"_Say it Santana. Just fucking say it." Brittany continued to beg over and over until I felt like I wanted to burst._

"_I can't! I can't okay? Because the last time I told you that I loved you, was in love with you, you blew me off. You rejected me. It took all I had in me to say those words to you. I pushed everything aside, every fear, every doubt and told you how I felt and you threw me away for someone else. You shoved those words back down my throat. When you told me that you couldn't hurt him but found it perfectly okay to hurt me, it felt like you literally dug inside my chest and ripped my still beating heart out of it!" I yelled at her, letting everything pour out._

"_It hurt Brittany. It fucking hurt worst than anything I could have ever imagined. It was hard enough for me to admit that I was in love with you but to tell you, to offer myself up naked and vulnerable, giving you all of me, only to have you choose someone else?" The tears were starting to pour as I opened old wounds that I thought were surely healed. I tried desperately to control by breathing and not become a blubbering fool. _

"_It left a mark. One I can't get over. One that keeps me paralyzed with this fear, even though I know it might not be true, even though I try to tell myself every minute, every hour that it's not true, that eventually you're gonna choose someone over me again and it's going to be for good. It is always there Brittany. Always. So I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry but forgive me if I never want to feel that kind of pain again. The kind of pain that could ruin me just by saying three words. Eight fucking letters. Because it may not be a lot of letters Brittany, but the meaning behind them is insurmountable." I said looking her in the eyes as hot tears still spilt over the brim. I could see the guilt in those blues eyes and it hurt me to make her feel that way again, but I had to let it out. I had to let her know why I couldn't say it. It wasn't because I didn't love her, she was the only thing that really mattered in this world to me. I had to let her know it was because I was scared. Out of my mind scared to say it to her again. But also to let her know that I needed time to feel safe to say it to her again. I know I wasn't only ripping open my old wounds with this confession but hers as well but I needed her to know. I sighed as we sat in silence._

"_I just need time to feel safe again. To feel safe enough to say those words to you again and mean them. I don't want to throw them out there just to keep you satisfied. And when I do say those words, I want to be able to say every word, every letter, every syllable and not be scared." I told her as another wave of tears came cascading down her face. I didn't have anything left to say so I kissed her on the forehead and left the room. I knew she was going to need time to let that sink in so the best thing I could do for us right now was give her space. I didn't want to have to put us through this. I didn't want her to be mad at me. I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel guilty. I didn't want us to fight. All I wanted was to feel safe enough to love her again, fully, and not be scared that in a week's, a month's, a year's time she was going to leave me. And take my heart and my words with her. _

**AN: Alright you guys know the deal lol Review and let me know if you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. Some of you have said the suspense of Brittana's meeting is killing you lol I know I know it is a crazy ride but hang on and hopefully it will be worth it in the end and give you guys peace of mind. Anyways don't develop amnesia after reading this and forget to review k? It truly keeps me happy and I like being happy so do it...You know you want to lol 3**


	8. Uncharted

Puck finally made it back after his apparent trip to hell, with beers and alcohol in hand. Thank the heavens because I'm in need of a drink after the emotional roller coaster I've been on. Seriously, I've never felt this many emotions at one time and it's overwhelming. He dropped a bottle of tequila, his arms full, and it skidded across the floor.

"So I ran into Brittany," Was his opening sentence and as I picked up the dropped bottle of liquor, I stared at him intently. Puck placed the happy supply of booze on the bathroom counter.

"Uh what do you mean you ran into Brittany?" I asked him, a slight worry starting to wrap around my chest.

"Well I went to talk to Quinn and she just so happened to be talking to the life of the party," He said laughing as I opened the tequila. A second of it was gone by the time I twisted the cap off. Puck found it funny but I just found that it heightened my nerves by a tenfold.

"Don't worry, I didn't mention that I came with you. I didn't want to blow your cover as it were." Puck reassured as he began to neatly arrange the bottles of alcohol on the bathroom counter. I took another guzzle from the hard liquor. It burned a trail down my throat to settle in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it would calm my nerves.

"But I do have to say, my god she looks painfully gorgeous tonight San." I rolled my eyes. Of course she did. That was already a given.

"Yeah, no shit Puck." I said taking another sip from the tequila bottle, letting the liquid make me tingle in all the right places.

"Well you should go out there and talk to her. Stop hiding in her like the little chicken shit I know you aren't." Puck said giving me a pointed look through the mirror and I shook my head. Nope not yet.

"I can't go out there looking like this man." I said trekking back over the tiled floor, the tequila bottle hanging loosely in my hand. Pacing seemed to be my thing tonight.

"I just gotta mellow out. I'm not thinking right. If I go out there and she knows I'm on blow, she won't even talk to me. I know her." I voiced, taking another sip from the bottle in my hand.

"Fuck!" I yelled, frustrated that I couldn't even calm down enough to talk to her. She was leaving in less than 24 hours and I couldn't even control myself to talk to her. To possibly say goodbye. I made my way back over to Puck.

"How do I look? Do I look like I'm on blow?" I asked him, concern thick in my voice. There was no point of even thinking about approaching her if there was the slightest sign that I had been doing coke.

"No, you look fine," Puck answered, not even bothering to look at me as he was too busy preparing a line. I punched him in the shoulder to get his full attention.

"No, come on. Look at me. Look at my eyes." I said as I ran my fingers through my hair. Puck looked me over intently.

"A bit yeah," He finally said and I sighed. I have officially struck out. I leaned against the counter, disappointed with myself. I should have never started doing blow tonight. Especially if I knew I was coming to see her. I kicked the cabinet under the sink.

"Come on, just drink some booze, you'll be fine." Puck cajoled as I blew out my breath, placing my hands on either side of the sink. I shook my head in hopes to get rid of the haze but I was having no such luck.

"What was I thinking getting this tonight." I said, gesturing to the cocaine Puck was fiddling with.

" It was so stupid!" I yelled, more to myself than Puck, as I began to pace again.

"You know I just wanted to clear my head out. Try and like think a little bit clearer. Now I'm so fucking spun I can't even think straight." I said as I rested against the counter again. I sighed heavily.

"Fuck." I let out through gritted teeth. Leave it to me to royally fuck up my last chance to win Brittany back. Jesus Christ I couldn't do anything right.

"It happens dude." Puck commented as he divided up a few lines. I rolled my eyes at him. If it wasn't illegal to bash someone in the head with a tequila bottle then I would have in that very moment. I was freaking out and he was shrugging his shoulders at my predicament. Typical Noah Puckerman.

"I've never been particularly social when on this shit anyway." Puck said, gesturing to the coke. I was barely even acknowledging his existence let alone listening to him as I freaked out. My time was running out and I couldn't seem to get mellow.

"Cocain is a lonely, lonely drug." Puck continued and I made my way to the other side of the bathroom lest I bludgeon him with a bottle of valuable liquor. It would truly be a shame if I did but only because the alcohol would be wasted.

"This is fucking crazy. I should bail." I said stopping mid pace, shaking my head in defeat. I had too much coke in my system to confront her. I was too spun, on too high a far off planet to go and talk to her and it not be confrontational. I just didn't see that happening tonight.

"I can't do this. Should I bail?" I asked Puckerman, turning to face him head on as I took another gulp from my friend Mr. Tequila. Puck eyed me as he cut up a few lines.

"You could," He started, pausing to take a swig from his drink.

"But I think you'll regret it Santana." Puckerman finished and I kind of knew that's what he would say.

"Why? Why do you say that?" I asked, sniffing back the irritation that was starting to flare up in my nose from the cocaine. Puck shrugged his shoulders.

"Well personally, I'd much rather regret something I've done rather than something I was too afraid to do." He said as I took a seat on the bathroom floor. I was starting to feel a bit dizzy.

"No shit," I said dejected. I hung my head low and took a deep breath.

"But Puck, you gotta realize I haven't talked to this girl in two fucking months. Everybody here hates me. These are all her friends, with the exception of the glee kids. Well some of them." I sniffed, taking a drink from the bottle of Tequila I've been nursing since it arrived.

"If I go out there, it is going to get fucking ugly. Fucking...ugly." I finished, spinning the bottle of tequila upright on the tiled floor. And it would get ugly. Especially if Rachel opened her hobbit mouth to say anything to me. I sighed.

"Fuck, with all the pills on the market, you'd think they have something to take the edge off a chick leaving you." I said bringing the bottle to my lips, wasting no time in knocking back a shot of it.

"That would be nice but they have this theory," Puck began, making his way over to me to hand me one of his cigarettes.

"Maybe it will help. I don't know. Fuck knows where it comes from but it's said that it's a 3rd of the amount of time it takes to recover from a relationship as the relationship was long." Puck began pacing in front of me as I lit the cigarette and took a much needed drag from it. I inhaled deep and long, feeling some of the anxiety leave in the cloud of smoke that came from my mouth.

"So for example, if the relationship lasted a year then you'll be good in four months. 2 years, you'll be clean in eight." Puck surmised as I sniffed back the trickling tears that seemed to leak from my bloodshot eyes the entire night.

"It's not a third. It's a half." I said correcting him as I took another drag off the cigarette. I let the nicotine settle in my chest, plucking at the anguish and anxiety, and extracting it from my body, my mind, slowly. Puck stopped his pacing to look at me.

"San, it's a third. Trust me." He said and I shook my head. It was a half and the theory was bullshit anyways. No one can tell how long it's going to take for someone else to recover from a relationship. Different people deal with things, and heal in different ways and at different rates.

"No. It's a half. Maybe wherever the fuck you live it's a third but in the real America it's a half. I dated this girl for two years. It's been six months and it's getting fucking worse." Like I said, clearly the theory is bullshit.

"6 months? Come on. What are you complaining about? You got two months to go! Good behavior, maybe a month." Puck said trying to lighten the mood.

"Well I appreciate the pep talk but if you haven't noticed, I'm still trying to get this girl back." I said, looking up at him, using my hands for emphasis. Noah sighed.

"Look, I don't know if that theory still applies anyways." He said as he took a drag from his cigarette and continued his pacing.

"It's been years and I still have these horribly lucid dreams about Helen. It's like your brain is trying to compensate for the absence." Puck said, his eyebrows furrowed as his thoughts ran rampant. It didn't surprise me that he was talking about Helen. I remember when he started dating her. I thought for sure they would make it. But alas this is Noah Puckerman and one can never begin to think they have him figured out. He sighed.

"You know, you think you're still Married. You're still in love. Life is just beautiful. Then all of a sudden you wake up and she's been gone for years. Fucking horrendous." Puck finished with a scowl on his face. I can imagine that to be pretty earth shattering. I would know because it happened every night since the day Brittany left me.

"Yeah, no shit," I said, completely lost in my own head and in what he was saying. I hated those dreams. The ones where you actually made it. The ones where you're still with that person that means the most to you and you're happy. The ones that never happened. That completely tear your world apart when you're forced to wake up and face reality. Those dreams weren't particularly easy to deal with. I blew out the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"So you married her huh?" I asked, a little surprised. He shook his head and I scoffed. Puck was not the type to get married.

"Thanks for the invite." I said playfully and he threw me a small smile.

"Eh we eloped." Puck said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. That didn't surprise me at all.

"How long ago?" I asked as he took another drag from his cigarette. Puck sighed and I could tell that maybe this wasn't a particular topic he wanted to discuss. But since we were sharing.

"We divorced three years ago." Puck provided shortly, beginning to pace back and forth.

"Who divorced who?" I continued and Puck stopped by the balcony window, turning to face me.

"It's not that simple." Puck replied and I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Well what happened? Why'd you guys split?" I was a pro a twenty one questions and it was my favorite game to play. I wasn't trying to open old wounds or anything, I was just curious.

"Long story San." Was all he said as the cool breeze from the open balcony window poured through and circulated around the room. It felt good because Rachel had the temperature in this bathroom set on HELL.

"Well...give me the abridged version." I said, picking at my nails as I still sat on the floor. I puffed on my cigarette as Puck gathered his thoughts.

"The abridged version..." Puck began, looking at me with a slight discomfort on his face. I don't know why he would be uncomfortable or embarrassed for that matter. I was clearly no one to be judging. Puck cleared his throat.

"I don't know, the relationship just didn't work on so many levels. I think we both had one foot out the door for the two years of our two and a half year marriage." Puck said sighing as I removed the v-neck I had on to reveal the tank top underneath. Even though the window was open, it was still too hot to be wearing any extra clothes.

"But it's weird. You know when they tell you they're leaving, it's like you don't even feel the hollowness. It's like an emptiness within an emptiness and you're left with slightly less than nothing." Puck said, a look of defeat flashing in his features, only to be covered up by a well practiced neutrality. Puck never was one for showing emotion. Well that is besides anger. It's why I liked him. We had that in common. But hearing him even talk about something on a level as deep as this, showed me that he's come a long way from the boy I use to know.

"The person you were when you met just doesn't exist anymore." Puck said finishing and I looked at him as his back now faced me.

"So she left you?" I asked, wanting a solid answer. It seemed as much. He thought he was hiding how broken he was but damaged recognizes damaged. And we were both evidence of people who had been damaged.

"Look Santana, it's very fucking complicated." Puck said, avoiding the question as he brought his cigarette to his lips, inhaling deep.

"Well what happened? Did you cheat on her?" I asked and I knew that the possible theory wasn't far fetched. Puck cut his eyes at me.

"No, no, no...It's irrelevant." He said and I frowned at how it could be, running through the different ways it could be in my head and finding none. In a relationship, cheating was highly relevant.

"Irrelevant? How is that irrelevant? I think besides money, infidelity is the most relevant reason why people split up to began with. " I said as Puck stubbed his cigarette out on the counter. Once Rachel saw the state her bathroom was in, she was going to have a conniption.

"Yeah true, true," Puck said, shaking his head and agreeing with me.

"Come on man. What's going on? I thought we were talking? Let's talk. Why did Helen leave you?"I asked, stretching my legs out so I wouldn't get a cramp. Usually I'm not the one to push people into talking but I was slightly drunk and highly curious. I took another drink from my beloved tequila bottle.

"Santana. It's not a pleasant scene for me, please." Puck said, turning to face me, frustration clear on his face.

"Oh and my scene is pleasant?" I asked, my eyebrows disappearing way past my hairline. He rolled his eyes.

"I'm not saying that it was. I know your pain, I've been there, I have a little more experience with it than you do but where you're trying to push me right now is not a place you wanna go." Puck said, pointing his finger at me for emphasis and I mimicked his early gesture and rolled my eyes.

"Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait." I said, stopping him before he could go any further. I rose from my spot on the floor, tequila bottle still in hand and faced him.

"Are you trying to say that since you've had 'more experience with it' than me or whatever the fuck, you're pain is somehow more?" I asked him in disbelief. Boy was he fucking wrong. That within itself made a world of no sense. Puck was about to talk but I cut him off.

"No listen, listen, first of all, you don't have the slightest fucking clue what pain I've been through, alright. Just because you let girl after girl hop in and out of your bed does not mean your pain is any more or less than mine! I'm sorry I wish it did but it doesn't. Secondly, don't make blind comparisons when you have no fucking clue what you're comparing alright!" I yelled as the anger that bubbled within me spilled over. I took a drag off my cigarette to reign in my emotions.

"Look Santana, where you're trying to push me right now is not a place you wanna go. So Why don't you do yourself a favor and don't fucking go there with me." Puck said, thinking he could intimidate me. No I was going to go there. More so now because he got me pissed and I'm drunk. I took another hit from my cigarette. Puck shook his head laughing humorlessly at me and that pissed me off even more. He was acting as if everything that I was going through was nothing. Irrelevant. Like it was a 'been there done that' scenario and it was making me livid.

"Oh fuck you Puck. If you had one tenth of my pain, you'd be psychologically fucking cripple!" I yelled at him, no longer being able to control my anger. Puck always knew how to rub me the wrong way.

"Seriously Santana, fuck off. Look all we're doing is projecting shit here. Take a step back. Let's relax shall we. Do a bit of gear, have a line." Puck said as he walked back to our supply in an effort to try and calm me down. But I was already fired up.

"No fuck the gear! I don't want that shit! Get it away from me!" I yelled, waving my hand at him as I stood next to him by the sink.

"Fine. More for me." He replied and I gritted my teeth. I tried to be calm and not take his head off but he struck a nerve in me and I was spun.

"Well Puck, let me give you a little glimpse into my life. A little insight into my personal fucking pain." I began, taking a swig from the tequila bottle that I was sure was now permanently attached to my hand. Puck spoke up.

"Look it's not necessary. Truly." Puck said, leaving the task of breaking up a line, to turn and face me. Once again, I brought the bottle to my lips and gulped down its content.

"No, it is necessary and if you didn't think it was, you wouldn't have gone there. You wouldn't have pushed my fucking buttons! But you did. And if you don't wanna hear it then you should stop snorting my shit and get the fuck out of the bathroom!" I exclaimed as he snorted a line. Puck sniffed back the white powder and rose to full height, rubbing the excess powder from his nose.

"Well technically, it's my shit but I can see you're passionate so go." Puck said, giving me his full attention as he leaned against the sink. I took a drag off my cigarette, preparing myself to go down memory lane for the hundredth time tonight.

"Alright so this fucker. This fucking guy out in LA, who my chick is now 'in love with' he's you know...endowed." I stopped talking, bringing my cigarette to my lips and inhaling deep as Puck lifted an eyebrow.

"She told you that?" He asked incredulously and I shook my head.

"Yeah. So anyway I needed to know how big. Not that I give a fuck about this guys dick or anything. It was purely an ego thing." I continued as Puck took a swig from his drink, shaking his head to let me know that he was following.

"So we're in an argument and I was pushing her, I kept pushing her, and I was like how big is he, how big is he, and she was like you know let's not make an issue out of it Santana and I was like no fuck that tell me how big he is. And she says ten and a half inches." I said taking a drink from the tequila bottle and Puck winces.

"Jesus." He said now sporting a frown.

"Yeah, can you believe that shit?" I asked, once again bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a drink. Puck licked his lips.

"She could have at least rounded it down." Puck said shaking his head and I rolled my eyes. Not at him but at the situation itself. I sniffed back the tingling in my nose.

"Look obviously she's trying to hurt you San." Puck offered up, taking another sip from his drink. I look at him incredulously.

"Yeah, no shit!" I yelled, as if it was only the obvious. And it was. It was one of the many knives Brittany used to twist deeper in my gut to hurt me.

"But it really fucked with me! It really fucked with my head! Knowing that this guy is in LA with the only woman I love, fucking her with ten and a half inches! And I'm chasing her around like a little fucking puppy dog, doing everything I can to get her back! And it crushed me! It still fucking crushes me!" I screamed, tears now pouring as I completely broke down and lost it. I blew out my breath as I made my way over to the sink and straddled it with one of my hands, the tequila bottle occupying the other. I needed to catch my breath because it was all too much. All the memories, all the pain, all the lies, all the secrets. It was all too much. Missing Brittany when she clearly had forgotten about me, if tonight was any indication, was all too much.

**AN: I am really enjoying the reviews! I'm so glad that you guys like the story. I'm probably thinking 2 or 3 more chapter until the end and then a short epilogue. What do you guys think? Anyways, thank you for the love and remember review because it keeps me going lol =]**


	9. Portions For Foxes

I made my way down the stairs slowly, glancing at the sea of people that covered the floor. There were a lot of people here. Gripping the tequila bottle that was still in my hand and hugging my coat closer to me, I began to scan the party looking for Brittany. My nerves were getting the best of me, churning my stomach into a pit of knots and tangles. I seriously thought about turning around and heading for the door but I knew I couldn't because I spotted her. She looked better than ever. Better than I had pictured her every night in my dreams. I knew I couldn't leave. Especially when she was being chatted up by some douche that was probably waiting until she was drunk enough so he could convince her to sleep with him. I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I pushed past bodies and made my way to her. I gripped the tequila bottle tighter, as I came to stop in front of her. I cleared my throat.

"Hey Brittany, can I uh talk to you for a second.?" I asked, sparing a glance at the moron she was acting all giggly with. It made me sick to my stomach.

"Yeah, what is it? What do you want?" Brittany replied nonchalantly. She was acting as if she didn't care I was here, in front of her, or being as polite as I could without taking someone's head off. I clenched my jaw staring at her intently as she sipped from her red wine.

"I wanna know if we can go somewhere and talk for a second. Please." I said, through slightly gritted teeth, trying to keep my anger, frustration and hurt from pouring out all over Rachel Berry's living room floor. Brittany raised her eyebrows at me as she brought her glass back from her lips.

"Um you don't wanna talk here? We can't just talk right here?" Brittany asked and I took a deep breath. She was pushing my buttons. She knew damn well what I wanted to talk about and I wasn't about to do it in front of people who's existence I despised.

"Please." Was all I said as I looked her in the eye. Why did she have to be so difficult?

"Santana A). This is my going away party and I think it would be pretty uncool to the people who threw it for me if I left just because you wanted to talk and B). I don't know if you noticed but we were kinda in the middle of a conversation so I don't know what to tell ya." Brittany finished, shrugging and gesturing over to douche bag. I couldn't care one fuck that they were in the middle of a conversation. That guy could go fuck himself and every self proclaimed whore at this party. I stared at her as she brought the wine glass to her lips and took a drink, looking me dead in the eye. I knew what she was doing. She was pushing me. Poking me in the chest until I couldn't take it anymore and exploded. It was a game she loved to play.

"Listen I'm gonna, uh, grab another drink can I get you something?" Shit for brains spoke up, addressing Brittany as if I didn't just ask to talk to her. I glanced over at him and back to Brittany.

"Actually, yeah. I'd love something. Something strong." Brittany replied, ignoring me and handed him her glass with a coy smile. It was disgusting and I wanted to do nothing more than shove that wine glass up that guys ass and make it come back out of his mouth in the form of a glass Knick Knack mantle piece. Ass hat than turned and looked at me.

"What about you bruiser? What are you drinking?" I didn't even give him an answer and just held up my tequila bottle.

"What's that? A bottle of cock blocker?" He asked, looking at me and then back at Brittany before he left. I had to keep my cool and restrain myself from chucking the bottle at his head. Because it's what my hand itched to do. As soon as he was out of sight, my eyes trailing him, wanting blood, I looked back at Brittany. Our eyes locked in a staring match that ended with me losing as I glanced down at the floor.

"So, I heard you've been up in the bathroom doing drugs all night long. That's really productive." Brittany said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. Fucking Emily and her big ass mouth.

"Really? That's funny I heard you told people I tried to kill myself." I said, anger lacing my voice and wrapping my words up in a neatly packaged present.

"Thank you Brittany. That's really fucking great of you. I really appreciate that." I continued just as sarcastically as the rage within me began to bubble and surface. Brittany looked taken aback at what I said, frown marring her face.

"Who the fuck told you that? I would never tell anybody that and you know it." Brittany said, looking hurt that I would accuse her of such a thing.

"It doesn't matter who told me it. The fact is that I've know you since you were ten fucking years old! We have been through everything together and you don't have the decency to call me and tell me you're moving half way across the fucking country!" I yelled, not being able to control myself anymore. If this was the last time I was going to get to talk to her, I was going to make it count.

"Will you keep your voice down!" Brittany yelled, looking around but I didn't care about these people.

"What the fuck is that Brittany?" I exclaimed and before I knew it, Brittany was jerking my arm.

"Alright you wanna talk? Alright fine. Let's go." Brittany said, trying to drag me behind her towards the front door.

"Get the fuck off me!" I screamed, jerking my arm away from her, anger written all over my face. Brittany cut her eyes at me but turned around and made her way out of the party, knowing that I would follow her. She was pushing people out of her path, I'm pretty sure embarrassed.

"What?" I yelled at the pairs of eyes that were now staring at us make our way through the crowd. Really, they could all go fuck themselves with a foot long pole for all I cared. As we came close to the door, none other than Rachel herself stopped us.

"Brittany, are you okay?" She asked, throwing me a nasty look.

"Uh yeah, um we're just gonna uh go. We're gonna go and talk." Brittany explained and I rolled my eyes. We didn't have to explain ourselves to the hobbit. I made my way to stand behind Brittany and closer to the door as Rachel stared me down, no doubt that if she had super powers my head would have been all over her living room walls by now.

"Yeah? 'Cause if you want, I'll call security and have her taken out. I've got no problem with that." Rachel said, looking at me smugly. I'm pretty sure she didn't have a problem with that. She'd probably throw them in a tip if they agreed to rough me up a bit too.

"Rachel, can you do me a favor? Can you stay out of this? Please." I asked as politely as I could when in reality all I wanted to do was smash her little elf face in. Brittany ran her fingers through her hair as she knew this wasn't going to end good if Rachel didn't back off and she had every reason to. It was going to end horribly if Rachel didn't back the fuck up.

"You've been doing cocaine in my parents bathroom all night. So don't fucking tell me what I can and cannot do in my own fucking house considering you weren't even invited!" Rachel said, raising her voice and coming at me a few steps too close. I was trying real hard not to lose it but I was at my wits end. Rachel surely grew a pair over the years and it was not in her favor tonight.

"Look, it's cool Rach, we're just gonna go," Brittany began, trying not to make a big deal out of it. She never was one for violence but she knew it was going to end up there if Rachel kept pushing me.

"No it's not cool. It's not cool Brittany. Hun she wasn't invited. You don't want her here. I don't want her here. No one wants her here," Rachel continued, gesturing around at all the people that apparently did not want me here.

"Look Rachel, can you just relax, Please?" I asked, exasperated with her. If she would just shut up and let us go, there would be no need for any of this. But of course this was Rachel Berry we were talking about here. She had a flare for dramatics and an inability to keep her nose out of other people's business.

"Don't tell me to relax." She began but I cut her off.

"Why? Why can't you relax for two fucking seconds! We're leaving!" I yelled, having had enough of her.

"Because you're shouting, for starters, at my fucking party and also you're psychotic! You couldn't take a fucking hint if it smashed you in the face! She doesn't wanna be with you. She doesn't want to spend even twenty seconds with you." Rachel began, her words cutting deep but the only thing I bled was anger. She didn't have any fucking idea what mine and Brittany's relationship was like but here she was, running her mouth as if she knew it all. Brittany could see I was about ready to tackle the little hobbit so she grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the door.

"No. We're leaving now. Come on." She said as she pulled me away from potentially murdering Rachel Berry in front of hundreds of witnesses. I waited while she grabbed her coat and Rachel couldn't resist as she came back for more. The whole party was now all eyes on us.

"I'm sorry Brittany and I'm not trying to be a bitch here, but when you come back here, you come back alone. I don't want you in my house again alright? Or I _will_ call the fucking cops." Rachel said, directing the last part at me as I shrugged into my coat. I rolled my eyes. Brittany was trying to make her shut up, knowing that in a moments time I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from pummeling the girl.

"You know Rachel," I started as I fixed the collar on my pea coat while Brittany threw out apologies for my actions.

"I'm really trying to be calm here alright I-" Rachel cut me off before I could finish.

"Oh fuck off. I'm so tired of you and your psycho fucking shit." Rachel said and that my friends was the last straw. The end of the tunnel. The button pushed on the detonator of the bomb that had been slowly ticking since Rachel approached us.

"You wanna talk about psycho shit?" I yelled, advancing on her only to be held back by Brittany.

"What the fuck Santana? What the fuck are you doing? Stop it!" Brittany exclaimed, holding me back from beating Berry two inches shorter than her hobbit frame already was. I of course was not listening to her. All I saw was Rachel's head on a silver fucking platter. I continued to struggle against Brittany in an effort to get to Rachel.

"Let's talk about your fucked up life! Let's talk about that right now!" I screamed as Brittany steady pushed me back, not letting me get my fingers around the brunettes throat.

"Oh fuck you!" Rachel began, coming at me as Brittany opened the door and tried to push me out of it.

"Come on Santana! Stop it!" Brittany yelled at me, trying to get me out of the door but having no such luck.

"No Fuck that!" I yelled shoving her hands off of me.

"You wanna fuck with me! Come on then! Let's do it right fucking now Rachel!" I screamed, the only thing standing between Rachel and my fist was Brittany but I tried my hardest to get to the fucking elf. Brittany finally got a grip on me and shoved me, my back slamming into the door and closing it shut all the while Rachel's yapping continued. Brittany opened the door again and wasted no time grabbing my arm to pull me out with her.

"Why don't you get the fuck out of here alright?" Jay, Rachel's boyfriend, said, addressing me, a possessive hand on Rachel's shoulder and I smirked. I'd take his ass out too if he wanted.

"Let's Go!" Brittany yelled at me, as I jerked my arm away from her grip again. I got in Rachel's face, her boyfriend yelling for me to fucking leave.

"You wanna fuck with me Rachel? You wanna throw shit out there? I can do it to!" I yelled, Brittany still grabbing at me, finally succeeding at getting me out of the door. It was short lived though because I just came right back.

"How many friends did you fuck your freshmen year while you were with Jay?" I asked, raising my voice. That shut her up so I continued. She wanted to slash me in front of everyone, throw my shit out there, so I was going to do the same.

"What was it 15? 20? I think I lost count! Was it the whole fucking pledge class! Isn't that funny Jay? You never really know your girlfriend." I could see that Rachel was on the verge of tears, humiliation reaching up to suffocate her. She was shaking her head, in disbelief that I was airing her dirty laundry in front of her boyfriend and all of her friends.

"Isn't that a total mind fuck?" I asked, never taking my eyes off Rachel and the satisfaction it brought me to knock her down from her high fucking horse.

"You fucking bitch!" Rachel yelled, tears pouring from her eyes. I could only blink before she came at me, slapping at whatever she could make contact with. I shoved her off of me without an effort, sending her flying back and before I knew it her boyfriends fist was swinging at me. Thank god for my quick reflexes and I ducked. It sent me back pedaling and into the door closing it with Brittany on the other side of it, as I fell on my ass.

"Hey!" I heard Brittany yell on the other side of the door, banging on it and jiggling the door handle. I looked up at Jay, the decision to come at me again being made, but before he could even move a foot, Puck was busting a beer bottle over his head. Jay went down and Puck, of course, wasted no time in stomping on him.

"You fucking Prick!" He yelled as he landed another foot to Jay's stomach. A guy that materialized out of thin air got a grip on Puck's jacket and tried to pull him away from kicking the shit out of Jay but Puck only took this as an opportunity to kick his ass as well. He slammed the guy into the bar, wrestling with him. I could hear Brittany banging frantically on the door, yelling for someone to let her in.

"Hey Santana!" Brittany yelled for me as Puck finally took the guy down to the ground and started kicking him. This was all the therapy he needed.

"Yeah you fucking cunt! Have some of this!" Puck exclaimed as he landed a few more kicks to the guys back. That was surely going to leave a mark in the morning. The man that was on the floor was kicking and slapping at Pucks legs. At one time he almost sent Puck down but the guy wasn't that lucky and Puck kept pummeling him. Two other guys decided they wanted to join in on the fun and went to grab Puck but it only resulted in the two of them getting a whooping themselves. It was laughable really. Good entertainment. The guys started getting the upper hand though, so I got up and made my way over to them, grabbing the smaller one and pulling him off of Puck. I couldn't very well let him get beat up when he was defending my honor now could I? The guy turned on me and swung but I ducked and he missed. I didn't though as I landed a right punch to the fuckers chin. He was dazed for a moment but then came back full force, head butting me in the stomach, sending us both back and out of the door into the hall. My back slammed into the wall, my breath whooshing out of me, but I wasted no time in landing and few elbows to his back as Brittany caught sight of us and ran over.

"Get off of her you fucker!" Brittany yelled, slapping and punching at the guy in the back. If this were a different situation I would find it cute. I finally tossed the guy off of me and down the hall, following it up with my foot in his gut. I was breathing hard as Brittany grabbed my arm.

"Come on!" She yelled, dragging me with her down the hall.

"Wait a minute! I gotta get Puck!" I exclaimed, yanking my arm from her and heading back towards Rachel's door. I pulled it open and caught sight of Puck pummeling like three guys. I smirked at the fire he had in him but wasted not time in grabbing him and dragging him out the door, literally kicking and screaming.

"Come on then you cunts!" Puck yelled as he kicked his legs out at some douche trailing after him, sending me back into the wall for the fourth time tonight. I was sure to have a bruise there in the morning.

"Leave them!" I yelled, using every ounce of strength I had in me to pull him away. Two guys were coming out of the door, but I pulled Puck back and as he finally came to his senses, we all took off towards the elevator, Quinn magically appearing as we did. We made it in the elevator shaft, breathing heavily.

"My coat! My Burberry coat!" Puck exclaimed, realizing that he left his coat. I didn't care though. I was not going back there.

"Fuck that. Leave the jacket." I said, trying to catch my breath. Puck scoffed.

"No San, that jacket cost me a lot." He said walking back out of the elevator.

"Look I'll go get it." Quinn said, following Puck out.

"Are you fucking crazy?" Brittany yelled after him but it was no use. He was going to get his jacket back. Even if he had to crack a few more skulls to do it.

"Fine! We'll meet you downstairs!" I yelled at their retreating forms, wasting no time in pushing the button to the first floor. This certainly was not the night that I had planned at all.


	10. The Weakness In Me

I placed my hands on my knees, desperately trying to catch my breath as we rode the elevator down. I glanced over at Brittany trying to catch her breath as well.

"I am so sorry," I began, trying to apologize for the shit that just went down. Brittany looked over at me and I saw worry cross her face.

"You're bleeding!" Brittany exclaimed, rushing over to my side, tracing her finger across the cut above my eye. Must have been the girly douche bag who used his nails. What a bitch.

"Where?" I asked and she guided my hand above my eye to touch the cut. It caused me to wince. Brittany started laughing.

"That was fucking insane! You are insane." Brittany said as she threw her hands in the air.

"I am so sorry. If you wanna go back upstairs, I completely understand." I said, looking at her as she tried to wrap her head around what just happened. I was only saying it to be courteous. I wouldn't have gone through all that to get her to agree to talk to me just to let her go without even a word.

"You don't wanna talk?" She asked incredulously as she back away from me and stood in the corner, blowing her breath out as well.

"Yeah I wanna talk, I mean-" I paused as she began to talk over me.

"Where? Where do you wanna go?" Brittany asked and I thought about it for a moment. I really didn't have a particular place in mind.

"Well my car's like two blocks away if you feel like a coffee or uh..." I trailed off as she shook her head, a faint smile playing on her lips.

"Yeah okay." Brittany confirmed and I nodded my head, trying to withhold the smile that wanted to break across my face.

"Alright. Okay." I replied and just as I did the elevator dinged and we made our way out of the building and to my car. The walk there was filled with silence. A silence that signified neither one of us knew what to say but that we didn't want to bring up the elephant in the room just yet. It wasn't awkward but it wasn't completely comfortable either. After two blocks of silence, her hand brushing up against mine multiple times, we finally made it to my car. We both got in, closing our doors to keep the cool night air out. We sat there for a few seconds, glancing at each other, and glancing around the car. I blew my breath out as Brittany shifted in the passenger seat. Now that I had her here, I should just get on with it. Just as I was about to break the silence, Brittany beat me to it.

"You're probably not gonna believe this at all but," Brittany paused, gathering her thoughts and glancing at me as I waited for what she was going to say.

"I was kind of glad that I heard you were at the party." Brittany confessed, looking at me. At her words my heart clenched but I only nodded my head, trying not to give anything away. She could have been glad before that if she would have picked up a fucking phone and called me. There was silence for a few heartbeats, her looking at me and me keeping my eyes fixed on my steering wheel. I finally spoke up.

"Ever since you and I broke up, all I ever really wanted to do was have a normal conversation. You know?" I asked, looking at her, her eyes a radiant shade of blue. Those blue eyes that I missed so much but plagued me every single night in my dreams.

"Just a normal conversation with you and I just feel like every time I see you it just gets like so weird and chaotic and scrambled and I can't organize my thoughts. I can't even express the most basic things I wanna say to you." I finished, taking my eyes off of her and looking back out of the windshield. I sighed.

"I know. Me too." Brittany agreed, playing with her hands. I looked back at her again, those piercing blues eyes drawing me in. They were enough to make me forget my train of thought.

"Whatever we had when we were together, when we were in love, that feeling of just being able to lie in bed with someone for days and days and not give a fuck about the outside world," I paused, hating what I was going to say next because I knew it was true. Hating it because I didn't want it to be true.

"That feeling, it's gone. And I feel like there's nothing I can do to ever get it back." I said defeated, shaking my head and fixing my eyes back on the changing street lights. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore. It hurt because I knew I was losing her. Lost her. I felt her hand find its way to my arm and rub it comfortingly.

"Do you know how painful that is?" I asked, not really expecting an answer from her. It's painful as fuck is what it is. The kind of pain that suffocates you to the point where you can't breathe, can't move. The type of pain that's crippling and psychologically damaging. The kind of pain that unravels you to the point that you come undone. The kind of pain that's in your skin and your bones. It's the kind of pain, painful, that sticks with you no matter how hard you try to get rid of it. No matter how hard you try to move on; burying yourself in work, surrounding yourself with friends. No matter how hard you try to be happy. It sticks. And you desperately try to forget; that you're broke and hurting but that constant throb, ache, in your heart always rises up to remind you that you are. That you're broken. That you're hurting. That you're alone. Brittany sighed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. I cried for weeks when we broke up." Brittany said and just by her admitting that, I knew she had no idea what pain I was talking about; the extent to which it tears through you, coiling deep in the pit of your stomach, burning you up from the inside out. Because I still cry when I think about losing her. I still feel helpless when I can't hear her voice. Suffocate when she isn't around.

"You cried for weeks?" I asked, looking back at her. She nodded her head.

"It was the hardest thing ever. The hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life." Brittany confessed, looking away from me and out of the water stained window. There was silence before I decided to speak up.

"How long did you go through that?" I pressed, struggling between wanting to know and not wanting to know. Wanting to know, so it would ease my mind. Not wanting to know because her answer could break me.

"A long time. I mean the first month was so fucking bad. And then-" Brittany paused, sighing.

"And then, you know, slowly it gets better." Brittany finished, a small smile gracing her lips. I didn't want her to feel better. To feel relieved. I didn't want her to be happy without me. It was selfish, yes, but I didn't want to know that she could move on without me and be perfectly fine when I couldn't. I didn't want to know that she got the luxury of letting go but I wasn't granted it at all. I can't move on. I can't let go. My stupid fucking heart won't let me. I sighed frustratedly, looking her in the eye.

"See. That's the difference between you and me Brittany. I'm still going through it." I said and I could tell my confession caught her off guard. Brittany opened her mouth but then closed it, failing to find the right thing to say. The silence began to thicken, chocking us slowly, before she gathered her thoughts and spoke up.

"Santana, I never meant to hurt you. Since the day we met, you have been the best thing to ever happen to me. You understood me when no one else did. You protected me and made me feel worthy when, at times, I felt I was worthless. I swear to god no one could, can, ever compare." Brittany said, tears now spilling over the brim.

"Well if I meant so much to you then why did you leave? Was it because you just didn't love me anymore?" I asked feeling slightly pathetic that I was sitting here begging for the reasons why Brittany gave up. She grabbed my hands.

"I didn't leave you because I didn't love you anymore. Or even that I was in love with someone else. I left because we weren't us anymore. All we ever did was fight and argue and grapple at each others throats, relishing in the blood we drew. Finding victory in bringing each other down. We were becoming toxic. The kind of relationship that's destructive. I didn't want that. I know you didn't want that. It was better for us to end it then rather than wait for us to hate each other." Brittany finished and I sighed.

"I could never hate you Brittany." I said weakly, looking over at her. I wanted to. I wanted to hate her everyday since the day she walked out on me. Lord knows I've tried to hate her. It would make things a lot easier if I did. If I could find the beast in her instead of the beauty. But I couldn't hate her, couldn't find the beast, because I still loved her and all I would ever see was the beauty.

"And I could never hate you but that's where we were headed." Brittany replied and I frowned.

"Then why did you cut me off? Why did you stop talking to me? I tried to call you, get in touch with you for two months Brittany and nothing. We were fine in the beginning then you acted like I didn't even exist." I asked, angry tears starting to prick up, threatening to come spilling out. Brittany sighed, trying to collect her thoughts and convey to me how she could have possibly written me out of her life.

"Well in the beginning I just tried not to care. Then I got angry. At you. At myself. But then it was because I was afraid. Am afraid. Santana I-I-I'm terrified." Brittany began stuttering out frantically.

"Of what? What are you afraid of?" I asked her, tears brimming my eyes and spilling over.

"Of you. You scare me. The influence you have over me. I'm afraid of falling in love with you again Santana." Brittany confessed, looking me dead in the eye, her blue orbs shining with the coming of tears.

"Brittany, you don't have to be afraid." I said, trying to reassure her, trying to make an effort to get her to stay. I would do anything just for her to stay.

"But I am Santana. I am. I don't know if I can go back there again. You bring out the best but also the worst in me. I-" Brittany paused and blew out her breath.

"I just don't know if I can go back to that." Brittany finished and I stared intently at her, sniffing back tears as silence once again filled the interior of my car. We were both brought out of our reverie by a knock on my window. It was Puck and as I wiped away the tears, I rolled my window down.

"Sorry Santana." Puck said first, I guess referring to his interruption, but I gave him a small smile. It was welcomed as I was running out of things to say to her. Running out of excuses to try and keep her when clearly she was gone. I just wanted her to give in to me and stay. Because that's really all I ever wanted. To have her back in my arms. To feel her mold into me, becoming one again, like we did so many times before. As Quinn sauntered up to the passenger side, Brittany got out to talk with her. I returned my attention back to Puck.

"Man they cut your eye up pretty good." I said looking at the cut above his eye that was identical to mine. Must have been that same cunt that took his manicure to my face as well. Puck nodded as he glanced at the rip in his jacket, cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"Yeah uh great party dude." He said and we both laughed. I never would have imagined the night taking a turn for the violent when I invited him.

"It was fucking insane Santana. But good chat. Seriously." Puck said and I threw him a smile. It was an intense chat. An eye opening chat and something that I think we both desperately needed. Puck and I were definitely people who preferred bottling up rather than letting out and because of that, when we finally do, you get the explosion that happened tonight. Although it was destructive at best, that conversation, we were both better people for it.

"Yeah definitely. It was no problem." I replied waving it off. Puck sighed taking another hit off of his cigarette.

"So do you guys need a ride or something? We're gonna go uptown if you want one." I asked him, looking in my back seat and back at him. Puck shook his head.

"Me and Quinn, we're gonna uh, I don't know, we're gonna catch a late drink. Cup of tea. Something or other. Raise the flag perhaps." Puck said with a smirk, bringing his cigarette back to his lips, inhaling deep. I laughed and shook my head.

"Good luck." I offered him wholeheartedly. After what he divulged to me in that bathroom, I was really rooting for him tonight. Puck leaned through the window and gave me a hug.

"Thank you." I said and he nodded his head. I was thanking him not only for accompanying me when he would have rather passed up the opportunity but for calling me on my shit tonight. For being there for me when I needed someone the most.

"Thank you too." Puck returned and I knew he was thanking me for the same exact thing. I gave him a small smile as he back away from my window and Brittany got back into the car.

"Brittany, it was a pleasure seeing you again. I hope you have a safe flight." Puck said, smiling at her and she waved.

"Thanks Puck. It was nice seeing you again too." Brittany replied, smile in place.

"Come by the bar alright? And Brittany? Call me. Have a safe flight." Quinn said addressing both of us and I simply nodded my head while Brittany waved at her.

"Alright we're off." Puck said, giving my shoulder a squeeze and saluting before walking back down the street with Quinn. I rolled the frosted window up and sat back in my seat, silence once again consuming the interior.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked Brittany, my gaze trained on the dancing lights of new york city outside my windshield.

"Yeah, of course." Brittany answered and I took a deep breath as the answer to this question was going to be the real kicker.

"You do love him?" I asked, looking at her. I searched her face for the slightest break, the evidence of a lie, the flicker of her certainty wavering. Brittany shook her head.

"I never said I was in love with him." Brittany said and I shook my head.

"How can you not be? You're moving half way across the earth to be with him." I said frowning and Brittany shook he head, mirroring my earlier actions.

"I'm not moving to L.A for him. I got an offer to dance in an upcoming show out there. It's a great opportunity and I couldn't pass it up. It's not for him. He just happens to live out there as well." Brittany finished. She ran her hand across her face, the perfect picture of a battle waring inside of her.

"I'm not in love with him Santana and that's the reason why I'm with him. Because it easy. It's safe and in the end," Brittany paused sighing. I kept my eyes trained on her.

"In the end I can't get my heartbroken again." Brittany finished with a shrug. I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from starting up all over again. She was going to settle. She would rather settle than go through what I put her through again and just knowing that hurt. My greatest fears were painting themselves crystal clear. Brittany was choosing someone over me, and for good this time.

"Listen Santana, it's gonna be a really, really long time before I fall in love with anybody the way that I was in love with you." Brittany finished, chocking back a sob and by the way that she was saying _was, _I knew that there was nothing more I could do. I knew, in that moment, I couldn't fix what we had already broken so long ago. I wiped at the tears that began to fall and I hated that I was crying in front of her. I hated that she was seeing me broken. Brittany grabbed my hand, holding it in hers, as she gently placed her lips to the back of it, kissing it softly. I looked at her, the tears cascading down her face as well, as I brought that same hand up to caress her cheek. She leaned into it and the fire that traveled through my arm to set my whole being alight was unmistakable. We were both the picture of the things we built up every day when we were together until it came crashing down on us. She was beautiful and I was slowly breaking so I did the only thing there was left to do. I brought our lips crashing together, mingling with the salty tears we had both cried. Her lips moved against mine, sweet and soft, falling into a rhythm that we both knew all too well. In my gut, I knew this was the end for us. We had torn each down way too much to salvage whatever was left. The scars and cuts were too deep to heal. The burns were too severe to treat. We tore each other limb from limb and this is what we were left with. Our lips, our hands, our mouths, trying to fix each other, mend the tears we made in the others heart, in the only way we knew how. The best way we knew how because words never seemed to work. This was the end for us. This was our goodbye.

**AN: Oh no guys, we are almost at the end! I think the next chapter will be bittersweet for you guys; it certainly was for me as I wrote it lol I love your guys' reviews! There was one, I didn't see a name given so I'll name you Anonymous Al, who asked if Santana had a dick lol No. She doesn't. As for giving her one? Um no? If you're confused because I said it was an ego thing for her, well I meant it in the sense that Brittany is the woman she loves and to have this guy step in and give her things (sex with a dick or anything else intimate for that matter) that she can't totally damages her ego. She wanted to know how big he was because she's a masochist and it's a sore spot for her. I hope that clears it up for you. Sorry if I confused you. But all things aside, I always look forward to your guys' reviews so don't stop, keep em coming lol **


	11. Bittersweet Symphony

**Author's Note: I dedicate this chapter to all the lost lovers in their journey of trying to move on, let go, and be okay again. And also to hotgrl15 because your words and encouragement inspire me to dig deeper rather than just scratching the surface of what's going on between these two lol I hope that you enjoy this as well as the rest of you.**

We stumbled through my apartment, tripping over the mess I had created earlier that day and nearly fell. We broke out into a fit of laughter that echoed off the walls that had the best and worst memories of us embedded in them, written with the blood of our hearts and the stain of our tears. Hands were roaming, lips were tasting, trying to leave impressions, marks that the other had been there; claiming what we thought was rightfully ours. Nipping, sucking, teasing, anything to feel a sense of familiarity. A sense of comfort. I wasted no time in pushing her back on to my bed and straddling her hips. She was beautiful in the light shining through the window from the street lamp. I was enthralled by her beauty as I stared at her, trying desperately to memorize every line, every mark on her face. Trying to commit them to memory so I would never be able to forget. My heart clenched because I knew this was goodbye. I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers, soft and tender, trying to let her know that I was here. I was right here in front of her and she didn't have to leave. She didn't need to settle. Brittany placed her hand on my cheek, thumb ghosting over my bottom lip as I still straddled her, giving me a small smile that held the sweetest sadness in her eyes. It was a smile that was slightly broken and told me everything I needed to know. That I needed to let her go. I sighed out into the hollowness of my apartment, closing my eyes against the touch of her hand.

From there we took our time discarding pieces of clothing, placing gentle kisses across each others bodies and memorizing every curve of the other. Remembering the things that we had missed. Relearning the things about each other that we had forgotten. We soon fell into a rhythm that was fluid. languid and known all too well between the both of us. It was a battle between both of our wants; heart, mind, body and soul. The thin line of where she began and I ended was blurred. Brittany's finger tips trailing across my skin, clutching as I filled her up, sent shivers down my spine. Her breathing in my ear, my name on the tip her tongue, broke me down level by level. Piece by piece. We tore each apart, limb by limb, touch by touch, eager to show the other just how deep our love ran beneath our veins. I dipped into her and she dipped into me, molding ourselves together, immersed in loves encounter. I climbed into her body, chaining me in her cell. The heavens merged with hell as we fought for power, dominance, the taste of the sweetest victory just by conquering each others bodies in our grasp, burning through us with desire.

Brittany tried to change our positions, the need to show me one last time how much I meant to her overpowering, but I didn't let her. I needed this. I needed to take care of her, to find satisfaction in making her body writhe the way I knew no one else could. This was for me as much as it was for her. Even more so. As I trailed kisses from her jaw line and down her stomach, my gut twisted and spiked with anticipation as I reached the place I wanted to be the most. I spread her legs a little wider than they already were, letting her know my intentions. I placed small kisses to the soft flesh of her inner thigh and even with the simple gesture, her hands gripped my sheets. I chanced one last look at her to make sure she was ready. Her eyes were closed tightly, teeth baring down on her bottom lip, and I breathed a sigh that made her shudder beneath me. Knowing that I had dragged it out more than either one of us could stand, I sent my tongue to work. I licked, sucked, nipped and teased, rendering my beautiful blonde to nothing more than a squirming mess. I took her bud into my mouth, gently biting down on it until her hips bucked, begging me for more. I showed her no mercy. Much like she did when it came to my heart. I could feel her getting close, the heat emanating off of her porcelain skin like the sun's rays on a hot summer day, so I gently pushed two fingers inside of her; the gasp she let out sending me in to a frenzy. As much as the urge to pound deep inside of her grew within me, I took it slow, building her orgasm to it's maximum peak and just when I thought she was about to burst, I pulled out of her. Brittany let out a guttural moan that quickly turned into a growl, the need for her orgasm to be fulfilled eliciting it. I couldn't help the smirk that spread across my face as her eyes flew open, lust making them the deepest shade of blue.

"Don't worry love, I've got you." I said, giving her a gentle smile as I entered her again, positioning myself between my hand and her swollen mound. Brittany kept her eyes trained on me, biting into her bottom lip so hard I was certain in a moment she would draw blood. I looked up at her one last time for the go ahead and she nodded vigorously.

"Santana, please." Brittany all but moaned out, begging me to turn her inside out. Goose bumps broke out across my skin at the sound of it and that only pressed me to grant her wish. I started rocking into her, slow and steady, trying to stretch her orgasm beyond its limits. With every thrust, her hips meeting mine with just as much force, my eyes closed a little tighter and my body wound up just a little more. I tried to keep my pace slow, I tried to torture her, but I was only serving to torture myself as well. I couldn't take it anymore as my need filled me so I began to rock into her hard and fast, each thrust making her cry out in pleasure. I could feel the pressure spike in the both of us, I felt her walls clamp around my fingers tightly, but I wasn't there yet. So I kept pushing in and out of her in a desperate attempt to synch our orgasms. I succeeded as both of our bodies tensed and shuddered with the wave of an earth shattering orgasm. My toes curled and stars exploded behind my eyes. I couldn't stop the groan that spilled past my mouth, low and throaty, as Brittany and I rode out our orgasms together. When it was over and my body went limp, I pulled out of her and collapsed, our bodies becoming one. I wrapped my arms around her, her doing the same, and breathed her in. She smelled of sweat and the sweetest flower to ever bloom and it brought tears to my eyes. It was the last time I would ever get to do this again, breath her in, and as I tried to catch my breath, the tears came spilling out and into the crook of her neck. My body wracked with sobs and Brittany held me tighter to her as she used all her strength to sit up. I immediately wrapped my legs around her waist as her back rested against my head board, hanging on to her for dear life. Never wanting to let go.

"Shh San, it's gonna be okay." Brittany cooed as she rubbed small circles into my back trying to sooth me but it only made me cry harder. I felt her own hot tears trickle down my back and it was clear we were both hurting. Brittany pulled back to look at me, her blue eyes soft with tears marring her face, mirroring my own. I didn't hide my face though as I openly cried. I was tired of trying to hide how broken I truly was. Brittany began placing kisses all over my face. Each one was a promise. A promise to let go. To forgive but never forget. A promise that I didn't want her to keep. A promise that pushed the knife deeper into my heart until her lips finally touched mine, killing me completely. We stayed that way, wrapped around each other, kissing shoulders, necks, any ounce of flesh we could come in contact with. I sighed and that overpowering need to let her know what she means to me came back full force. I always said a moment like this would be my perfect opportunity. So I held her closer to me and let the words slip past my lips effortlessly.

"I love you." I said, the words tasting bittersweet on my tongue, and Brittany pulled back from our embrace, the look on her face one of astonishment. She searched my eyes, trying to decipher whether or not I meant the words she had been waiting close to forever to hear me say again. Brittany smiled, the gesture tugging at my heart. I didn't expect her to say them back, but I needed to finally get those words out. It's kind of ironic how it took me losing her to finally say the words that were always there in my heart. Brittany then brought me back into her, nuzzling my neck and wrapping her arms back around me tightly; sighing as if she were content. Once again I found myself wishing that time would stop. Hold us in this moment for the rest of our lives so we wouldn't have to move on. Keep us here for eternity. But even eternity would never be enough for me and it was clear that time wasn't on my side. It was never on my side. Time never stopped for me. Time was selfish. Just like I was when I broke her heart. Time was paying me back in her favor.

I ran my fingers through her hair as her head lay on my chest, limbs intertwined with each other. She was asleep but I couldn't get there. The sun rose higher and higher, playing across the walls of my apartment, and all I could do was think. Think about how in a few hours time she was going to be on a plane and I was going to be here, stuck, like I knew I always would be. All I could think about was how she was going to LA to live her dreamsand I was going to be here in New York City not apart of them. Alone. Brittany stirred, clutching to me a little tighter.

"What time is it?" Brittany asked me groggily, her hands ghosting lightly over my side and I sighed, not wanting to divulge that information if it kept her with me longer. I turned my head towards the clock and read the green letters. Time was my enemy.

"It's like 6:30," I said, continuing to run my fingers through her golden tresses.

"6:30? Fucking shit, my plane leaves in like an hour." Brittany said hurriedly as she untangled herself from my body and made her way to my bathroom. I sighed as I grabbed my pack of cigarettes, took one from the box and lit it, needing the nicotine to calm me. I inhaled deep and let the smoke burn a happy trail to my lungs, trying desperately to exhale the impending doom I was feeling. Brittany was leaving again and that was that. I didn't want her to and if I'm being honest, I thought after last night it wouldn't hurt as much. But it hurts just as much as the first time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was a fucking liar. They obviously only endured flesh wounds because it's been a millennium and my wounds are still sore and bleeding. I took another drag from my cigarette, trying to will the tears from falling but I knew it was no use. They came falling anyways. I hated that she had this power over me. Even after all these years. But what I hated most of all was that I couldn't let go. I couldn't let go of her and it was going to be the death of me. I sighed feeling tired and emotionally exhausted. Truth be told, I never thought I would feel _this_ bad but I do. I had to swallow this down though. There was nothing more for me to do but let this die. There was no room for this and her in my heart anymore. I had to learn how to get by. To walk these lines and pretend I could breath.

After Brittany had finished getting ready, I took her back to her place to get her stuff and then headed to the airport. I wasn't about to let her leave and not be the one to see her off. I pulled up into the loading lane of the airport and cut the engine. We sat there for a while, not saying anything as the noise of the planes overhead drowned out the pin dropped silence that would have accompanied us. I couldn't help the images of us that flashed through my head of a time when we were happy. I closed my eyes against those memories though, in hopes not to fall apart all over again. Days had slid into years with her, thinking she would always be here next to me. By my side. But clearly those days and today misunderstood each other. In those days we were perfect but today we woke up in the rubble, knee deep in the damage we'd done and now she was leaving. Brittany sighed and took my hand.

"I will see you again Santana. I promise I'll be back. I'll come back." Brittany said, trying to reassure me that I wasn't losing her forever. I tried my best to give her a smile and hold in the tears that were threatening to fall.

"I'm gonna miss you so much Britt-Britt." I confessed, using her nickname. And it was the truth. I was going to miss her so much and then more. She's been my whole life since we were ten years old. There was never a day where we weren't together and I think that's why this was hitting me so hard. Why it's been killing me to let her go. She was my life. And letting her go was like letting myself go. Losing myself to the night.

"I'll miss you too Santana. More than anything I've ever missed before in this life." Brittany said sincerely, with conviction ringing true, and I believed it. I hoped for it anyways. Brittany blew her breath out and gave me a watery smile.

"I gotta go." Brittany said pulling the handle to the door of my Mustang and getting out. I followed suit and helped her carry her bags to the check in desk at the airport. As Brittany explained to the clerk that she didn't have her flight number or any other information pertaining to her flight, I tried to focus on staying glued together. From coming undone. As the woman searched for Brittany's information, she turned to face me. Her eyes searched mine and I tried to dismiss the hurt that was evident, changing the blue to a duller shade. An almost gray. I wanted to think it wasn't fair that she was hurting. Because she was doing this to us. Tearing us apart. But I couldn't think that. I couldn't let myself believe that because she was allowed to hurt just like I was. She was allowed to be angry, sad, and broken just as I was. This was just as much my fault as I thought it was hers. The blame was to be shared among the both of us. Brittany sighed into the cool, air conditioned breeze of the airport.

"Alright then Santana. I guess this is goodbye." She declared, sadness marring the beautiful features of her face. My heart sunk lower into my chest at the words goodbye. It was the most depressing word in the dictionary, I believed. Well next to almost that is. I opened my mouth to say it, to say goodbye, but I couldn't. The words died in my throat as my tears chocked on that goodbye. So instead of voicing it, I nodded my head in agreement. It was all the goodbye I could give her. Brittany then pulled me into a hug and I held on to her tightly. Because she was my life and I was losing her all over again. I breathed her in deep, for the second time in as many hours, knowing that this was the last time I would get to. Brittany squeezed me tighter as she heard the sob that tore through my throat, raw and deep, despite the strength I tried to use to hold it in. Even though I wanted time to stand still, to let us have a few more seconds together, I knew we couldn't and we pulled apart. Brittany ran her hands up and down my arms, squeezing lightly before she let them fall, letting me go. She wiped the tears away from my face with the pad of her thumbs and gave me a small smile.

"Bye." Brittany said and I shook my head once again, returning that small smile. I then backed away from her as the desk clerk had her information ready. I went to leave, to walk away from her for the last time but something stopped me. I turned on my heel and faced her, her back turned to me.

"Brittany?" I called out to her as she frantically rummaged through her purse. She stopped what she was doing, ignoring the desk clerk and turned to face me, awaiting what I was going to say.

"I love you." I said giving her a small smile. She turned back around and said a few words to the desk clerk before she made her way to me, the spark that had faded in her blue eyes igniting again.

"Twice in on day huh? And in as many hours?" Brittany asked giving me a warm smile.

"Twice in one day," I confirmed, returning her smile. Brittany then leaned in, taking my lips into a sweet kiss. She placed her hands on my waist and pulled me closer. I parted her lips with my tongue and the first touch it made, tangling with hers, was blissful enough to make me want to cry. We stood there, clinging to each other, lips tasting, hands roaming until we were forced to break apart for air. Brittany gave me one last chaste kiss before she leaned her forehead against mine smiling. I knew if we kept dragging this out I wouldn't want to let her leave so I gave her a kiss to the forehead and she backed away. Brittany gave me one last smile before she squeezed my hand and then left, walking back to the counter. I watched her for a few more seconds but then forced my self to walk away as well.

I sat in my car, just looking at the spot she occupied until she disappeared and I was sure she was gone. I stuck my key in the ignition and pulled out of the loading zone. I was wishing for another ending to our story. One where I would magically change, be the person she wanted me to be, who was good enough for her, and we would end up together again. But life didn't happen that way. That was only in fairy tales and movies. So as I drove back to my empty apartment, thoughts of Brittany plaguing my mind, I prayed that she kept her promise. I prayed that she would come back to me. And then maybe things would be different. Maybe then we could find the things in each other that drew us to one another in the first place. Until then though, I would have to learn to live with the pain, try and overcome the pain. I had to try and keep myself from walking back into the time we never really had. I had to remember to breathe again. To move on because it was the only thing that was going to help me survive when she felt too much like home. I had to try and teach myself goodbye. It was the only thing that was going to keep me alive if she ever broke that promise.

**AN: So if any of you have seen the movie, you know that this is the end. BUT. It is not the ending I want for Brittana. So like I said, I'm going to do an epilogue and hopefully it will put the hearts of those who went into a frenzy after reading this goodbye, at ease lol I do want to thank you all for the great reviews though. Even if they are only a few in number, they count. They're so in depth, some of them, and they make me feel like awesome sauce. My goal in writing this was to touch a few hearts and from the comments, I can tell that I have so it makes me feel like I've done a job well done. Anyways, enough with this essay, review! It makes me happy! =]**


	12. This Is For Keeps

**AN: I know I suck for taking so long on this lol I just wanted it to be not perfect but close to it and I STILL don't feel too satisfied with it =[ But anyways here you guys go! It has been a fun ride, I love you all for the awesome comments and stay tuned because I'm working on another Brittana fanfic lol Enjoy!**

_Two Years Later..._

I weaved my way through the busy streets of New York, ever so often glancing at the time. I was already 15 minutes late to Quinn and mine's everyday ritual of meeting up at Starbucks for coffee during our lunch hour and I knew she was going to have a conniption fit. This time, though, I had a valid excuse. Work. I tapped my foot impatiently at the light as taxi's and people who had places to be as well whizzed by. As the light turned green, my phone buzzed, probably with a text from Quinn about how I was late again. I opened it as I made my way across the street.

**You really can't grasp the concept of being on time can you? Lol – Q**

I smiled at the text as I finally reached the other side of the street but didn't bother to text back as I was nearly at Starbucks. This morning was a hectic one indeed, I thought, as I pulled my messenger bag higher up on my shoulder. My lovely alarm clock decided not to go off at the most inopportune time, making me late for work. I was currently working as a photographer at the New York Times and even though the word _work_ encompassed it, it never felt as such. After Brittany left to pursue her dreams, I figured it was time enough I gained some semblance of a life as well. Something my mother could be proud of rather than snorting coke all day and sleeping the rest of it off, followed by wild parties and a gaggle of one night stands. Do something that I could be proud of myself for. It didn't happen in a day and it took a lot of convincing, well verbal threats and talks about serious bodily harm, from Quinn to get me out of the funk I was in for months. I had really hit rock bottom and I was only sinking further so I decided it was time I did something about it. The first step being that I checked myself into rehab.

I realized coke was not helping me swim to the top at all and so I started there. I worked hard at it, for myself, for Quinn, but also for Brittany. To be something that would make her proud even though she wasn't here anymore. Rehab wasn't so hard because I had Quinn there to support me and we made a pact to actually work to turn our lives around. Which, this in turn, lead me to dusting off my journalism degree, actually putting it to good use and Quinn to starting her own fashion magazine. What it's called, I couldn't tell you. I had always had a passion for photography, so I combined that with my flare for journalism and landed a job at the New York Times. It was something I could truly say I was proud of myself for doing. Not to mention the journalism world is cut throat. I finally made it to Starbucks and pulled the door open, the warmth from the cafe a welcome from the blistering cold outside.

"Sorry I'm late. Work was a mess today." I said as I brought my messenger bag over my head and hung it on the seat, plopping down in the chair opposite Quinn. She studied me, trying to assess whether I was lying or actually telling the truth and as her smile grew, I figured she knew I was telling the truth.

"It's fine since it was work. Anything else and you would be in trouble." Quinn replied and I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Oh can it Fabray, you're all bark and no bite." I quipped, brushing my bangs back from my eyes and received the same eye roll I threw her way just seconds ago. I unwrapped my scarf from my neck as it was warm enough in the cafe to do so and let it hang around my shoulders.

"I'll order for us." Quinn pipped up but I was quick to stop her.

"Nah I'll get it. It's the least I can do for making your majesty wait." I teased and Quinn got comfortable in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Damn right." She replied as I made my way to the counter, already knowing what she wanted. As I reached the counter, I realized the cute redhead was working today. She had a smile the size of Texas plastered on her face and I couldn't help but find it adorable. I never actually got around to getting her name but she was always the one to take my order. People who worked in coffee shops always made me wonder whether they snorted the ground coffee beans to keep up that chipper appearance. Before I could even open my mouth to voice my order, she pipped up.

"Hmm I'm gonna take a wild guess and say a Chai Soy Latte and a hot chocolate?" She asked her smile still in place.

"That would be correct." I said returning her smile. She fist pumped and let out a victory yes.

"That's my second one today." She said as she rung me up and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Well I'll say you're on a roll." I offered up and she shook her head enthusiastically.

"I know huh? If I keep this up I'll be looking at manager in no time." The redhead said and I nodded.

"Oh yeah. I totally agree." I said as she threw me another smile.

"Alright that will be-" She began but I cut her off.

"$7.24?" I asked, hopeful that my memory served me right this time.

"Yes!" She exclaimed, happy that I got it right. I pulled out my wallet and placed a 10 dollar bill on the counter. Before she could give me back my change, though, I stopped her.

"Nope, that's yours. Put in the tip jar. You totally make my afternoons bearable." I said with a smile and the blush that colored her cheeks didn't go unnoticed.

"Thanks. Your order will be right up. And don't worry I totally remember the name for the cup." She said with a smile, turning around to make mine and Quinn's drinks. It didn't take long before my order was up and I made my way over to the pick up counter.

"Here you go. One hot chocolate and one Chai Soy Latte, both venti. Have an awesome day Santana." The bubbly redhead chirped and I smiled with a nod, grabbed both drinks, preparing to make my way towards Quinn, but stopped in my tracks.

"You know what? I didn't catch your name. You know mine and I only think its fair that I get to know yours." I said with a slight smirk on my face at the sudden widening of the girls eyes.

"I-it's Hayley." She stuttered out, only causing my smile to widen at her bashfulness.

"Hmmm Hayley..." I said, pursing my lips and tapping my chin with my finger. Haley looked a little anxious so I offered my best smile.

"I like it." I simply said and she beamed. I knew Quinn was probably getting impatient so I threw Haley a wink and ventured back over to Quinn, still catching the girl blush before I left though. I made it back to our table and sat the drinks down, taking my seat again. As I moved Quinn's drink in front of her, I caught her giving me that look. The one where she raises her perfectly sculptured eyebrow, smirk in place, taunting me as if she knew something I didn't. I rolled my eyes at her.

"What?" I asked as I took a much needed sip from my latte, letting the warmth course through my body, making me a happy camper. Quinn pulled her hot chocolate towards her. She didn't like coffee but she knew I loved the stuff so she settled for the next best thing.

"You were flirting with the barista again." Quinn deadpanned and I gaped at her.

"I was not!" I said, defending myself as she laughed.

"You were. I know you when you're flirting San, and that was flirting. You do it every time she's working the register." Quinn pipped up and I shook my head. She was crazy. I was not flirting. I was just being friendly. She was cute and had great service, so I was returning the favor of being polite.

"Quinn you're on crack. I was not flirting with her, I was just being friendly. She's cute and is great with our orders. I was only being a polite customer." I finished, taking another swig from my cup. Even I didn't believe that. Quinn was looking at me skeptically, telling me she didn't believe me either. I let out a sigh.

"Okay so maybe I was flirting a tad bit. She's adorable. What's the big deal?" I asked her as I sat back in my seat.

"There is no big deal. You should ask her out. You said it yourself she's adorable...and great at servicing you." Quinn finished with a smirk and I leaned over and slapped her arm, shaking my head at her filthy mind.

"Ok she does not service me and I can't ask her out Q. Flirting is fine because there's no harm but I can't ask her out." I said looking down at my cup.

"And why not?" Quinn asked as I looked back up at her, a frown marring her features. I just shrugged, not really wanting to delve into the deeper reasoning of why I couldn't go on a date with Hayley. There was silence for a heartbeat before realization flashed in Quinn's green eyes, immediately making them soften. She reached her hand across the table, putting it on top of mine.

"San, you gotta let her go." Was all she said and I rolled my eyes.

"I have Quinn. I have let her go." I said indignantly, taking my hand back and crossing my arms over my chest. Well I would like to think I let her go. There's still that subtle throb in my chest whenever her name was mentioned in certain circles. I truly don't think that will ever go away but I have long stopped crying myself to sleep and I even packed up all of her stuff that she left in my apartment and sent it to her sister. I didn't think about her every minute of every single day either. That's progress right?

"Random one night stands with girls that could be mistaken for Brittany is not moving on. You have to get out there Santana and make an effort to build a relationship with someone who isn't her. One that has the potential to last. It's been two years already an-" I cut her off.

"I know how long it's been Dr. Phil. Look I am moving on okay, I don't think about her much and I sent all of her belongings back to her sister in Chelsea. I haven't cried myself to sleep over her in months and I don't get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach on the occasions that she send me an email from wherever it is that she's touring anymore, telling me how great she's doing. I'm trying my best here Quinn but I don't feel comfortable dating other girls. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me to." I confessed, taking another sip of my latte as she sighed.

"Why does it scare you?" She asked, her eyes searching mine as she really tried to understand. I looked at her incredulously.

"It scares me because I don't want to get my heartbroken again Quinn," I confessed out loud. I blew my breath out knowing that it was the truth. I was scared shitless to get close to anyone else because it could lead to me getting my heart broken again and that's just not something I can handle. Not this soon at least.

"I'm afraid that if I let someone in again, like I let Brittany in, it's only going to end with me getting hurt and that would ruin me Quinn." I said, looking her in the eye. Her frown softened.

"It's just a date though San," Quinn tried but I shook my head.

"Yeah a date that could lead to me liking her, and then lead to us getting close, and then lead to disaster because just when it's getting good, I'll find a way to fuck it up even though I don't mean to. And then that will lead to her leaving and me being a mess. I know that's a negative way to look at things, especially as simple as one date, but that's just how it is for me right now Quinn. I can't keep my mind from running rampant and automatically assuming the worst is going to happen. I wish it wasn't like that because I want to be happy. Like really happy but I don't think I can." I finished, the weight of it all taking its toll on me. I rubbed my forehead frustrated and Quinn grabbed my hand, stilling it and holding it between hers. She gave me a smile and I weakly returned it.

"You can be happy Santana but that's only if you take that risk. Even if it does mean that there's a chance it won't work out." Quinn said, giving my hand a squeeze before she let it go to take a sip of her hot chocolate. I sighed knowing that she was right. Quinn let out a sigh as well but clapped her hands with finality, bringing an end to this conversation.

"Alright enough of the emotional turmoil. How was work?" Quinn said offering me a smile and I returned it, grateful for the change in subject.

"It was alright. Hectic. And I'm still not off the clock. I've been all over Manhattan today. First I had to cover that brutal wreck in midtown, then that pre-thanksgivng parade thing they always have in Chelsea. After that the mayor's impromptu wedding which was on the other side of Times Square and not to mention picking up Esther's dry cleaning in the middle of all that. I keep telling her that I'm not her fucking lackey but she just can't grasp that concept. She's lucky she's old and that cussing her out would no doubt get me fired." I said shaking my head, bringing my cup back up to my lips, as Quinn laughed.

"Quite the morning you've hand S." She pipped up and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, laugh it up Q. How was work for you?" I asked and she shrugged.

"It was fine. There's not much I need to worry about getting done as boss if everyone else is doing their job, which surprisingly they are. I'm slightly nervous because we come out with a new issues this month and although all the hard work is done, I want it to all go over smoothly. And I want it to sell." Quinn finished with a chuckle and I joined her.

"I would imagine so. 'Cause if not, you'll be looking for employment elsewhere." I teased and Quinn made a face at me.

"If worse comes to worse I'll just camp out on your couch." Quinn said and I laughed.

"Yeah and the next morning I'll gladly hand you a fresh from the printer Times so you can proceed to job hunt." I declared and she glared at me, though I knew she was playing.

"Whatever. You would be lucky to have me sleep on your couch." Quinn tried to come back with but I just shook my head at her weak attempt.

"I give that a two. You're getting rusty Fabray." I said with a smirk, taking a sip from my now warm latte. Quinn scoffed, having given up at her failed attempts to take digs at me, and quietly sipped her hot chocolate. I glanced at my phone, the time reading 12:40, and I sighed. My lunch hour was over in 20 minutes and it was going to take me at least 15 to get back to the other side of town by subway. Not to mention the walk from the subway to the office. Quinn noticed my change in demeanor and pipped up.

"Gotta get back to work?" She asked and I gave her an apologetic smile.

"Yeah. I'm probably going to be late as it is. Don't you?" I asked as I wrapped my scarf back around my neck, preparing to face the cold outside. Quinn gave me a cheeky smile.

"As the boss, I give myself an hour and 30 minutes for my lunch break. Not to mention it takes me like 5, 7 minutes max, to get to the office from here." She said and I rolled my eyes. Of course she would pick the Starbucks closest to her. I don't know why I didn't realize that before.

"Remind me to change the Starbucks next time we meet up for coffee," I said as she gave me a sickeningly sweet smile. We both rose from our seats and I shrugged into my pea-coat, Quinn followed suit and buttoned up as well. I hauled my bag over my head to sit snugly on my shoulder, grabbed my almost empty cup and made my way towards the entrance, Quinn in tow.

"You know I don't know why you don't take a taxi to get back to work." Quinn spoke up as I drank the last of my latte, tossing the cup in the nearest trash.

"Because it would be like a million bucks that's why." I said looking at her like she was crazy and because I wasn't paying attention to where I was looking, I bumped into someone coming in for their afternoon fix.

"Shit, I'm sorry I wa-" I was cut off mid-sentence when I looked up by the familiar deep pools of blue looking back at me. I was stunned stupid for a moment.

"Brittany?" I asked, as soon as my mind caught up with me. I couldn't believe it was her. Talk about speak of the devil. She beamed in recognition, and it made my heart melt to see her smile again. Especially that brightly at my presence.

"Santana!" She wasted no time in taking me into a bone crushing hug but it only lasted a second as she stepped back, a blush spreading across her face at her actions. I was still standing there in surprise. There was an awkward silence for a few heartbeats until Quinn broke it.

"Brittany, baby girl, it's nice to see you again." Quinn said, bringing the blonde into a hug. I knew she still kept in contact with her frequently after she left. I got an email here and there from Brittany letting me know how she was doing and about the tour she was on, asking me if I was doing well too. At first I couldn't answer them. Just knowing that she was doing perfectly fine without me tore me apart. But she kept sending them, persistent to get me to talk to her. After a while I finally did, hoping it would satisfy her that she knew I was at least alive and she would stop sending them, but she didn't. There were a few staggered phone calls too whenever she had time, which wasn't often and that was okay with me because hearing her voice made that dull ache in my chest noticeable. I hadn't gotten an email in a month though so I figured she gave up but here she was in the flesh, once again doing things to my heart that I had no will power over. Brittany and Quinn where engaged in small chit chat when I finally decided to tune back in to reality and get out of my own head.

"So how is the show going?" Quinn asked and the wide smile on Brittany's face was unmistakeable. I knew dancing was a passion of hers and although it hurt when she left, I was happy that she was getting the chance to make her dreams come true.

"It's going great Q, I've met some amazing people in L.A and not to mention influential ones too. It's been an experience and every thing I could have hoped for." Brittany finished, glancing at me with a smile and then back to Quinn.

"That's great to hear Britt, I'm glad things are falling into place for you." Quinn said, genuine happiness coating her words. She glanced at her phone as it buzzed.

"Shit, I gotta go. Marie is apparently having a nervous breakdown about our coming issue this month." Quinn said, directing it towards me. I looked at her suspiciously, the will to hold back a slight smirk not going unnoticed. I knew for a fact that no one was to bother her during her lunch break unless it was dire. Like the building was on fire or someone was murdered dire.

"Look Britt, I would love to catch up while you're in town if you have the time. Totally call me so we can set something up yea hon?" Quinn called as she backed out of the door.

"Yeah Q, definitely." Brittany replied as Quinn gave a final wave and made her quick escape. She was paying for this later. Brittany and I stood there in an intense silence, both of our eyes roaming over the others features, trying our best to drink each other in. Brittany finally broke the silence.

"So how are you?" She asked, moving aside so a customer could make it out of the door, which forced her closer to me. Instinct made me back away from the close proximity and I caught a glimpse of her face faltering in disappointment for just a fraction of a second before her smile was back in place.

"Um I've been pretty good." I answered shortly, scratching the back of my neck nervously. Brittany nodded her head.

"That's good to hear." She offered and I internally rolled my eyes. This was ridiculous. We were friends for years before we were ever lovers and we couldn't even have a decent conversation with each other without awkward silences and four or five word answers, leaving nothing to discuss.

"Quinn tells me that you work for The New York Times now?" Brittany asked and I shook my head, playing with the ends of my scarf.

"Yeah I'm a photojournalist. It's pretty exciting." I said offering a smile in hopes to kill the tension that was swirling around us, no doubt slapping other customers in the face.

"Wow, that's really great San. I'm proud of you. I'm glad you found a way to get back into photography. I know it's something you had a passion for." Brittany said with a genuine smile and it was hard to try and not give in to those words. Hearing that she was proud of me, like she really meant it. I gave her a smile as another customer exited, sending her closer my way.

"You maybe wanna sit? You know grab a coffee and catch up? I'd really love to hear how life's been treating you." Brittany asked and I had to push the urge to say 'life has had me by the balls since you left' deep down. I quickly glanced at the time. It was already 12:50 and I really couldn't afford to be any later than I was already going to be.

"Actually I can't. I have to get back to work." I said and her face dropped but was quickly replaced with an understanding smile.

"Oh okay then. Well maybe I'll see you around?" Brittany asked and I nodded.

"Yeah maybe." I said and she gave me an affirmative nod, but I could see the disappointment etched in those blue eyes of hers. Her eyes always gave her away.

"Bye Brittany." I said before brushing past her towards the door, catching her mumbled goodbye as I did. I went to push open the glass door, wanting to leave it at that, maybe make her hurt a fraction of the hurt that I went through, but I couldn't do that to her. No matter how much she hurt me, I could never, ever, bring myself to intentionally hurt her. I stilled my hand from pushing open the door and turned back around, Brittany still in the spot I left her.

"Hey Britt?" I called out and she whipped around at the sound of her name so fast, I thought she was going to get whiplash.

"Yeah?" She asked, the hope that was shining in her eyes noticeable form miles away.

"I can't stay right now, but how about we meet for dinner after I get off work?" I asked and she smiled, the look of relief passing over her features.

"I'd like that very much." Brittany said shaking her head for emphasis.

"You still have the same number right?" I asked and she nodded.

"Alright well I'll text you with the details. I'm thinking that Italian restaurant over on first." I said giving her a smile.

"It sounds perfect." Brittany agreed and I nodded my head, offering her a wave before I left for real this time. As I made my way to the subway, I couldn't help but feel a wash of relief come over me. Brittany was back. For how long, I didn't know but seeing her again restored that sense of home I had been searching for. Desperately trying to find and it was kind of ironic how it only returned when she did. Because she is home for me. Because home is where the heart is and my heart has always been with her. I know that even thinking about getting wrapped up in her again was a bad idea. The worst. And I wasn't going to. But this was Brittany and from the day we met, I developed a weak spot for her. It was a guilty pleasure that I indulged in and even though last time it left me broken, this time felt different. Like maybe I wasn't the only one miserable without her. Like maybe she needed me just as much as I needed her. Like maybe we could at least get our friendship back. And I don't feel weak or stupid at all for wanting that back.

"So how long are you in town for?" I asked as I twirled the pasta around my fork before taking a generous bite of it. The food here was to die for and the authenticity made me wonder how I ever went so crazy for Breadstix back in Lima. Brittany took a swig from her wine glass, savoring the full taste of it as I knew she always did, before she pipped up.

"Actually uh, it's permanent." Brittany said glancing at me before taking a bite of her food. I nearly chocked on the sip of wine I took. I didn't expect her to say permanent at all. I figured a few weeks, a month tops.

"Really?" I asked, surprised written all over my face. Brittany must have caught it as well, because she let out a low chuckle, that sent shivers down my spine. To say I hadn't missed her laugh would be a lie.

"Yes, really. This is my last show. New York was our last stop on the tour and the head choreographer offered me a position teaching at his studio. It was too good to turn down, especially after having nearly sprained my ankle last month. I figured I'm not getting any younger. Plus I love to help people and teaching dance seemed like a nice way to settle down you know?" Brittany finished taking another drink from her wine glass as I continued to eat in silence. I was processing the information she just threw my way. I could feel myself getting happy at the fact that she was back and I hated it. I finally spoke up.

"Well that's really great Britt. I'm happy for you." I offered up with a smile which she gladly returned. Once again the silence settled in and the only sound coming from our table was the clatter of utensils on plates and chewing. Brittany was back. For good. It was a lot to drink in.

"San I-" Brittany began, breaking the blanket of silence and gaining my full attention. She hesitated, struggling to come up with the right words to say.

"I meant what I said. I promised you I would come back and I am. I'm back. For good. And I know we can't just pick up where we left off because frankly, where we left off was shitty." Brittany said with a slight chuckle and I gave her a weak smile agreeing.

"But I would like to start over. I know we can't erase or forget what happened in the past but maybe we could put it behind us? Because to be honest, I'm tired of living my life without you. I miss you. So much. I miss your smile, and your crude remarks at the expense of others," Brittany said with a laugh. She reached across the table and gently grabbed my hand in her own.

"I miss holding you in my arms, I miss being able to cheer you up when you've had a less than great day. I miss the sense of comfort that never failed to coat me with the sound of your voice. I miss being with you. Period. I know we're gonna have to work at trusting each other again and we might even have to rebuild everything we worked for in the past into something new but I'm telling you right now that I am willing to do that. Whatever it takes, I wanna do it. And with you by my side. Because I love you and life is too short not to take every chance with a love like ours because really, I think you can only ever find that once and I'm glad I found it with you." Brittany finished, her eyes shimmering in the light from the restaurant with unshed tears. I felt the lump in my throat get bigger and my eyes burn from the tears that threatened to fall. I had waited so long to hear her say that. To hear her say she missed me as much as I missed her. To hear her say that she wanted to work at this, no matter what it took, as much as I did. I had waited so long. But I couldn't help but think of that guy in L.A and whether she really meant any of what she was saying. I cleared my throat, trying to will the lump to disappear.

"What about that guy in L.A?" I asked, looking up at her and she shook her head.

"The two weeks I spent in L.A with him were the worst. So I cut my ties and focused solely on my dancing. Plus, he just wasn't you Santana." Brittany confessed and I tried my best not to let the tears fall but they betrayed me and came tumbling down anyways. Brittany reached her hand up and wiped them away with the pad of her thumb. I leaned in to her touch, closing my eyes, missing how it always calmed me. I let out a sigh of relief. She was back and she was mine again. I opened my eyes to be met with a warm smile from the girl I've been in love with for half my life.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to say those words. How good it feels." I said taking the hand she still had on my cheek into my own and bringing it to my lips, placing a chaste kiss across her knuckles.

"I do. Because it felt just as good saying them. Without being afraid." Brittany said as I let her hand go which she reached for her wine with. I did the same, taking a deep drink from my wine glass in a desperate attempt to force the lump in my throat away. It seemed to work and I placed my glass back on the table, chuckling to myself. I felt like I was dreaming. Like this was too good to be true because it felt that way.

"What's so funny?" Brittany asked playfully and I shook my head.

"Nothing it's just, I feel like pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Or that I've gone insane." I said letting out another laugh which Brittany joined. She then reached across the table and pinched my arm.

"Nope. You're not dreaming. As for the insane thing? I can't really help you with that one." She quipped making me roll my eyes at her playfully but offering her a smile.

"God, I've missed that smile." Brittany confessed and it immediately made me blush and duck my head like I was fucking 12 years old again. I finally looked back up at her and she offered me a smile before she went back to eating. I did the same and for the rest of the night we caught up with each other, filling in the blanks of the things we missed while we were being stubborn to loves call. I don't think I've ever laughed that much since the day she left and it made me happy that she was the one that could bring it back. That she could give me back the spark I had lost when she left. The night carried on with stories of work, adventures, and new friends made. When the check finally came, after a long winded debate over who would pay which ended in me winning, we headed out into the cool New York night air. It wasn't as cold as it was earlier in the day but actually a nice night out. Brittany didn't live too far from the restaurant so I offered to walk her home and she gladly accepted, making some remark about what a gentleman I was that effectively made me laugh.

I missed this. Us. I knew I had to go in this thing with eyes open though and holding back a little. I couldn't just give her all of me again but I was willing to let her back in, in due time. We walked next to each other in comfortable silence, a nice change from the tension that strangled us earlier, and as we did I felt her slip her hand into mine. She laced our fingers together and gave my hand a squeeze and I couldn't help the smile that broke out across my face. Her hand fit mine perfectly, like they were made for each other. We didn't talk the whole way there because at this point we had a silent understanding and that was to enjoy the moment and deal with all the scary stuff tomorrow. We finally made it to her brown stone and I walked her up the stoop to her door.

"So I had a great time tonight." Brittany offered up, a smile breaking out on her face.

"I did too." I agreed returning her smile as she swung my hand that was still in hers between us.

"We should do it again some time. Soon too." Brittany said and I laughed at her eagerness.

"We should. I totally agreed." I replied and she nodded.

"Good because I missed you and being able to just be around you." Brittany declared, becoming more serious.

"I missed you too." I finally said giving her hand a squeeze which brought a smile to her face. We stood there for a time just soaking up each others presence.

"Well it's getting quite late Ms. Pierce and it would not be very 'gentlemanly' of me to keep you out past the appropriate hour." I said and she giggled.

"No. No it wouldn't be 'gentlemanly at all." Brittany said, smile still on her face. Then she bit her lip, looking anxious and I knew what she wanted because I wanted it too. I had wanted it since the day she left. For two years, 730 days; 8,760 hours; 525, 600 minutes. I had wanted more than anything to taste her on my tongue again.

"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" Brittany asked me and I was silent for a moment because even though I wanted it more than anything, I knew the consequences. They were the same ones that came with kissing her for the first time. And every time after that. If I did let her kiss me, I knew I would be helpless to heeding loves call. I would be helpless to taking that option of backing out of all of this if I so chose to. I would be helpless to the power that she had over me. Because I knew once her lips touched mine, she would have me all over again. Just like that. I mirrored her earlier actions and bit my lip, mulling the idea over in my head, weighing my options but she must have took my silence for rejection because she spoke up.

"You know what, I'm sorry. I understand that it's too soon. I got ahead of myself. I'm sorry. It was stupid of me. Goodnight Santana." She said quickly, offering me a small smile. Brittany then made a move to go inside, embarrassed, but I grabbed her wrist, turning her back around with a smile playing on my face. I brought her close, so much so that I could feel her cool breath play across my lips as I licked them.

"It would be more than okay." I said before I closed the space between us, accepting the consequences like I did before and crashed my lips against her, savoring the taste that I knew all too well. It was uniquely her, making her lips like morphine. I could never get enough and that wasn't going to change anytime soon. I felt her tongue graze my bottom lip, asking for entrance and I gave it to her, the feeling of our tongues meshing together making me sigh. As we kissed, reacquainting ourselves with every surface of the others mouth, I felt the dull ache in my chest subside. I felt that pain swell into want, need, for her. Only her. The only thing this heart ever wanted and would ever want for a million lifetimes over. I was immediately filled with a warmth that I knew no matter how hard I tried to find elsewhere, it would never come with another. She was slowly unraveling me again and it was only a kiss. We stayed that way until we had to come up for air. I leaned my forehead against hers, drinking her in, reveling in the sapphire blue of her eyes that I had fell in love with from the first time I laid eyes on her.

"Goodnight Brittany." Was all I said before I gave her one last peck and a smile and made my way down her steps. I had to leave before she asked me to come in because I knew if she did, I wouldn't have the will power to tell her no. I had been without her for so long I would have immediately given in. I walked backwards slowly with a smirk in place as she stood on her steps still dazed. Guessing that her brain had finally caught up, Brittany called out to me.

"Aren't you going to take a cab? It's totally freezing out." Brittany said, concerning lacing her voice which only made me smile.

"Nah I think I'll walk. It's a nice night out." I said and she laughed shaking her head at me.

"Alright well goodnight." Brittany called out, her blue eyes sparkling in the light from the street lamp.

"Night." I replied, giving her a small wave as I watched her unlock the door and venture into the warmth of her apartment. Once I was sure she was safely inside, I turned on my heel and began my trek back home, a sense of contentment falling over me like a warm blanket. I knew we were going to have to work at this but I was willing to and so was she. We had scars to tend to and rubble to rise above, the kind that once buried us deep, but I was more than positive we could do it. I wasn't going to let her go this time and I was going to try my damnedest not to fuck it up this time around either. Brittany was back and she was mine. She kept her promise like I prayed everyday she did and it counted for everything in my book. I guess whoever said if you love something let it go was right, because I did love her and I let her go and she came back. It was going to take time to get back that trust we instilled in each other but we had the rest of our lives to make it right, to prove to each other that we meant every promise we made. We had time and the truth is, that's all I've ever wanted. Time.


End file.
